Birthday Insomnia

I woke up this morning about 3:30 am with a lot on my mind. Happy Birthday to me!

Personally, I absolutely love the timing of my birthday. It falls just between Christmas and New Year's, and keeps the excitement & anticipation of the holiday season rolling along merrily. I tend to get quite reflective this time of year. Another Christmas has come and gone, with its focus (hopefully) on the Savior, and a new year is soon to dawn. While new year's resolutions are just on the horizon for most of the populace, I start pondering similar themes a few days early.

How am I doing? Where am I headed? What might I improve?
All questions keeping me awake at this hour instead of giving myself the gift of sleep.

Looking back, I can see the long journey that has brought me to the present moment in which I find myself. The obstacles overcome. The battles fought that have rounded out who I have come to be. The wounds and scars that unfortunately hold me back.

This year, I have become painfully aware of just how self-loathing I can be. When it comes to those around me, I tend to be compassionate, understanding, and willing to give most people the benefit of the doubt. When it comes to dealing with my own weaknesses and insecurities... well, let's just say I'm not nearly as kind.

Why is that?
When did I give permission to berate myself in this manner?
It's an interesting question.

But what is of even more importance is the follow-up question: What am I going to do about it?

Just a couple of days ago I was doing some reading and came across a quote by Neal A. Maxwell that rocked me to my core. He explained, "Brothers and sisters, our individual worth is already divinely established as 'great'; it does not fluctuate like the stock market." (“Consecrate Thy Performance,” Ensign, Dec 2008, 26–30) Now, I know full well that Elder Maxwell's words are far from new doctrine. We all know that the worth of souls is great in the sight of God. But something about his phraseology took me aback-- because while my self worth may not fluctuate in God's eyes, it most certainly does in my own. And that needs to change.

We will never walk perfectly in this lifetime. We are not even expected to. Mortality is a learning process, a growing experience. We stumble, we stammer, and sometimes we seriously crash and burn. But as long as we learn something from the ordeal, we have not yet failed. We have everything in the world to be joyful about. We know who we are and whose we are. Can we not show ourselves the same compassion and love we share with others?

I'm pretty certain it would be a step in the right direction.
For when we show ourselves forgiveness and mercy as we repent and strive to live uprightly, we also free ourselves to let our lights shine brighter to those around us. By releasing our self-imposed chains, we enable ourselves to move with clarity and love. We are unrestrained in giving service to those around us with peace and joy.

That's what I want this year for my birthday.

Life is so rich, and so very beautiful. Each moment given to us is a moment to treasure and grow from.
Men and women truly are that they might have joy.
And here we are!
♥