Valor

Yesterday I took Taylor to the doctor for his four-year-old check up. He passed with flying colors, but had to endure a finger prick test to check iron levels in his blood, as well as four vaccinations. There were quite a few tears shed, and as we were getting ready to leave, Taylor looked over at me and said, "Mom? Let's get out of here!"

As we drove away from the doctor's office I exclaimed, "Taylor, you were such a brave boy! I am so proud of you!"

From the back seat came a most dejected reply.
"Mom, I wasn't brave. I was so scared!"

"Oh, honey!" I responded, "It's okay to be scared! Just because you are scared, it doesn't mean you aren't brave! Being brave means that you keep going even when you are afraid. You were very brave today!"

And then I stopped to ponder that idea myself.

Honestly, this past month has really beaten me up pretty good. I have been down, I have been overwhelmed... but mostly? I've just felt weak, shaken, and afraid. Brave would not be the adjective of the month, that's for certain.

But maybe I'm just as hard on myself as Taylor was.
I love this quote from Mark Twain, "Courage is resistance to fear... not the absence of fear."

Adversity comes to us all, and times of trial and heartache can leave us feeling frightened and discouraged.

But we persevere.
We continue on.
We reach within ourselves and lean on our friends, family, and Savior.

And we are still here.

Maybe we're braver than we think.

Goin' Green... and Brown... and Orange

I have been meaning to get a little bit better with bringing my own shopping bags to the market with me-- you know... just doin' my part to save the planet. :) So far I have been a big fat failure at that. And although I'm very good at recycling my lovely plastic grocery bags, I'd really like to have some nice, sturdy reusable bags.

For awhile now, I've been coveting these amazing graphic lines from Envirosax, but honestly now-- I just can't justify spending that much on grocery bags. To help soften the blow, I decided to try my hand at making some-- that way I could still have the all of the awesomeness factor with funky colors and none of the ouch factor to the pocketbook.

Using this pattern from Lion Brand Yarn's website (they have loads of wonderful free knit & crochet patterns-- check them out!) I made the tote you see in the picture. It is really sturdy and capable of holding a ton of stuff! Unfortunately, this one is not remaining in my custody-- I decided to give it to my fabulous sister-in-law Angel for her (much-belated) birthday present. The earth-toned colors are très Angel. :)

Upping the eco-chic factor is this great yarn made by Caron that is actually partially made with polyester created from recycled plastic-- I used it for the brown stripes & handle.

The only thing that I changed from the original pattern was to create the stripes. Mine are 6 rnds thick, but I think narrower stripes could be really fun too. I may just try that next time. I limited the strap to only one color.

The pattern was very easy to follow, and would be a great beginner project.
Now I just need to find the time to make a bunch for myself...

Memorable Day

Things to Cherish Today:

1. A very, very, very excited birthday boy eagerly anticipating his birthday party. He is living proof of Newton's first law of motion. He was most definitively an object in motion, and nothing (and I mean nothing) was slowing him down all day!

2. Dinosaurs of all shapes and sizes. Dinosaur figurines, dinosaur books, dinosaur magnets. We are living in our own little dinotopia. (Taylor's version of heaven, I'm sure.)

3. Both sets of beloved grandparents. It is always so striking how different our families are... mine being so outgoing and conversational, Bryson's being quiet and contemplative. And yet, we all seem to like each other okay. :)

4. A chocolate birthday cake. With black (chocolate), blue, and red frosting. And sprinkles. (Taylor was very particular on exactly what he expected for his special day.)

5. Balloons everywhere! On the walls, on the floors... And only two balloon casualties to speak of!

6. A brand new bike! (From grandparents who really shouldn't spoil their eldest grandchild the way they do... but boy do we love them anyway!)

7. Having nearly all of Bryson's and my siblings under the same roof. (Shauna & Nate; Rob & Angel-- you are missed deeply!)

8. Being able to chat with my Grandma on the phone and listen to Taylor actually carry on a sweet little conversation with his Great-Grandma.

9. Sunny skies and a vibrant green landscape thanks to the plentiful rain over the weekend.

10. At the end of the day, being able to kick back and relax with some Hawaiian pizza and creme soda with my very own Superman. How he was able to get through the festivities of the day and still have the energy for a 7 mile canyon run is beyond me. And myself? After today's wonderful chaos I am content to remain an object at rest. And remember Newton's law? Yeah, I intend to stay that way. At least for the night...

Life is just so good.

Never Lost

Lots of thoughts today, but the energy to write is not matching the desire. My thoughts today are with the temple and how very blessed we are. (Thanks for your wonderful lesson today, Shauni. You are amazing!) Until tomorrow, I hope you enjoy the poignant words of Elder Gary E. Stevenson of the Seventy. Happy Sunday, everyone.

I remember a warm, sunny afternoon when spring was trying to nudge its way through a long winter in Cache Valley, Utah. My father, whose Saturdays were always filled with chores for his grandsons, stopped by our home with an offer to “go for a ride.” Always happy to ride in Grandpa’s truck, our four- and six-year-old sons scurried into the back jump seat, and I joined my father in the front. Our drive took us through the streets of downtown Logan, which wrap around the Logan Temple, prominently situated on a hill, centered beautifully in the city. As we moved further away from the city, we turned from paved, busy streets to seldom-used dirt roads, where we crossed old bridges and weaved through trees far into the country. We were far from any other traffic and all alone.

Realizing his grandsons were in a place they had not been before, my father stopped the truck. “Do you think we are lost?” he asked the wide-eyed boys as they gazed out the windshield across the valley. Followed by a moment of silent assessment came the profound reply of a young child. “Look,” he said, pointing his finger, “Grandpa, you are never lost when you can see the temple.” Our eyes turned, focusing with his, seeing the sun glistening off the spires of the Logan Temple, far across the valley.

You are never lost when you can see the temple. The temple will provide direction for you and your family in a world filled with chaos. It is an eternal guidepost which will help you from getting lost in the “mist of darkness.”¹ It is the house of the Lord.² It is a place where covenants are made and eternal ordinances are performed.

There exists a righteous unity between the temple and the home. Understanding the eternal nature of the temple will draw you to your family; understanding the eternal nature of the family will draw you to the temple. President Howard W. Hunter stated, “In the ordinances of the temple, the foundations of the eternal family are sealed in place.”¹¹

President Boyd K. Packer stated, “The ultimate purpose of all we teach is to unite parents and children in faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, that they are happy at home, sealed in an eternal marriage, linked to their generations, and assured of exaltation in the presence of our Heavenly Father.”¹⁴

I testify to you that the application of these principles will help turn the doors of your home to the temple, or house of the Lord, and more fully allow you to make your sacred home a house of the Lord.

-- Elder Gary E. Stevenson, "Sacred Homes, Sacred Temples" Apr. 2009 Conference Address

Sous la pluie

Tell me honestly...

Is there anything as lovely as the scent
of a freshly fallen rain?

the scent of earth mingled with sky--
green and blue
and bliss.

I wish I could capture its fragrance,
revel in the bouquet

preserve it,
and save it for

(ahem)

a rainy day.

Days & Years

The day the world has been watching and waiting for has finally arrived.

(At least that's what Taylor believes...)

Today my little man turned four years old.

It doesn't quite seem possible. I can remember so clearly that first little cry and all the subsequent firsts that have filled each and every blessed day I have spent with my little boy.

So I found it pretty amusing when Taylor sneaked up on me while I was cleaning the bathtub this afternoon.

"Hey Mom, guess what? I'm four days old today!!!"

Four days old...
It sure seems that way sometimes, buddy.

Happy Birthday, Taylor. I just love you so much.

Bliss

Sometimes a girl's just gotta take care of herself.

So today, I decided to set aside the lengthy to-do list and just relax a bit. I stayed in bed an extra hour. I've been listening to my favorite Elliott Smith records. Even got out the guitar to try my hand at learning this gem. (Not that I come even remotely close to measuring up... Ben Folds is right-- he played a fine guitar!) At the gym, I decided to hit the steam room for 15 marvelous minutes instead of rushing off to pick up Taylor & Reilly from the Kids' Club. I picked up sushi at Sunflower for dinner tonight. I allowed myself to catch up on some reading while the kids played out back in the sprinkler. I cut garden flowers to adorn my bedside. After the kids are put to bed I intend to have a nice long soak in the tub and pamper myself with a facial while Bryson heads out for meetings this evening.

So far, I'd say it's been the perfect day.
You need one of them every once in awhile.
♥

Anybody Want a Peanut?

For months now, Taylor has been trying to crack the code of the mysterious rhyming game. He has been enamored by the idea of making rhymes for awhile, but the general concept has remained elusive to him.

for example:

Hey, Mom, what rhymes with house?
Mouse.
Mouse! Right! Good rhyming, Mom!

a few minutes later...

Hey, Mom, what rhymes with circle?
Ummmmmm....
OH, I know!!! Circle, elephant! See, Mom? That rhymes!!!
Uh, not quite, kiddo. Good try, though!

Hey, Mom, what rhymes with Grandpa Bob?
Well.....
I know! I know! Grandpa Bob.... and popsicle! See Mom? Grandpa Bob & popsicle rhyme!

you get the picture.

But a couple days ago, Taylor came into my office-- phonics neatly in tow.

Mom, guess what? Tree and bee-- they rhyme!
Taylor! I'm so proud of you! Tree and bee do rhyme! Way to go!

He could have lit the whole house up with the beaming smile that followed.

We feel that things are finally starting to come together for our young poet...
Consider this conversation from last evening:

Hey Dad, what rhymes with purple?
Ummmmmmmmm.........
I know! Urple! Urple rhymes with purple! They rhyme, Dad!
Sure, Taylor.... they do rhyme, but....
Yay! I rhymed! I rhymed!

Ahhh, we'll just let him savor the victory for now...
Vocabulary lessons begin this week.

Physical Healing, Spiritual Healing

I really didn't think I was going to have it in me to write anything today.
You see, I walked out of Relief Society this morning.

No, it wasn't the teacher (a good friend & my visiting teaching companion, no less), the tone, the sisters in the class, or the Spirit. It wasn't even the topic. Well, okay, maybe it was sort of the topic.

Today we discussed gifts of the Spirit, and a good portion of the hour was spent on the gift of healing. Wonderful stories were shared of marvelous acts of physical healing from illness and injury. Testimony was shared of how true faith works miracles. A child healed from head trauma after a serious fall. A son's rheumatoid arthritis completely eradicated. A young woman cured from terminal cancer that went on to raise three beautiful children.

Yeah, that's the one that finally got me.

I was so grateful that running late from singing time in the nursery had kept me seated in the back row today. Even when the subject changed to different spiritual gifts, I was still trapped in an emotional maelstrom. It burst to the surface, and I simply had to leave before I was a blubbering mess put on public display. I grabbed my car keys and barely made it outside before the audible sobs took over. Sitting in the front seat of the car, I allowed myself to let it all spill out.

And the thought came:
If faith is all it takes, then where was our miracle?

Over the past six months we have watched dear friends bury their tiny infant daughter, grieved over the loss of a good neighbor, deeply mourned the illness and untimely death of one of our best friends, and just last week were saddened to learn of the passing of Bryson's aunt after her cancer returned despite a lengthy remission. And even this only seems to scratch the surface. As I continued my little pity party (thank goodness for tinted windows!) I thought of those near and dear to me who continue to suffer from chronic illness, debilitating injury & pain, mental & emotional trauma from past abuse... We continue to wait for the miracle of healing.

Or do we?

After a nice long (and most-needed) hot bath, a little bit of mental clarity returned. And I thought, we may not have had many outward physical manifestations of the gift of healing, but certainly we have experienced that gift on a spiritual and emotional level.

Healing comes in many forms-- certainly the most noticeable being the physical healing of the mortal body. But I think we often overlook how powerful spiritual healing can be. God may not see fit to take away our physical trials in this life. And although we may carry the burden of illness or bodily injury, we can still find healing in other ways. Of one thing I am completely certain: while our pain and adversity may not be lifted from us, God will never leave us comfortless. Our spirits can be made whole, even when our mortal frames are not.

There are things in this life, experiences we endure, that seemingly make absolutely no sense. We are left utterly devastated, and wonder where on earth the justice is to be found in such a situation. Certainly, even when we understand and truly believe that everything is in God's hands, we do not always understand the necessity for such heartache and loss. Isaiah really hit the nail on the head when he spoke Messianically, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD." (see Isaiah 55:8)

But, if we will let Him, God will see us through the end of our trials. There is serenity to be found, and even joy. We just can never allow ourselves to lose hope, or sight of the goodness and blessings to be found in His eternal plan. Or perhaps, if we do lose that hope for a time, we can always return and surrender our hearts to His endless peace. His arms are always open. In my reading of Isaiah today, I found the following verse-- just a few lines down from the one quoted above-- incredibly heartening.

For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. (see Isaiah 55:12)

Life can be hard. We can experience heartache and heartbreak beyond imagination. Even when we are praying, fasting, and attending the temple with the most fervent and deepened faith, sometimes the anticipated miracles just do not come. Sometimes it is just not His will. Faith may facilitate miracles, but ultimately they flow from our Father in Heaven. And though things may not work out just the way we would like, there are always smaller miracles at work in our lives.

Even in times of darkness, there is so much to be grateful for. I am overwhelmed by how truly blessed we are. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel surrounded by such boundless beauty and love.

I am thankful for President Monson's words, "Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments. There will be nothing in this world that can defeat us. My beloved brothers and sisters, fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith." (Thomas S. Monson, "Be of Good Cheer", Apr. 2009)

That sounds pretty good to me.
My heart finds solace in my Savior. And He leads me forth with peace.

The Spare

Do you remember Dolly the Sheep? She was the first mammal to be cloned from a single adult cell back in 1996. Well, here at our house, we have been working on trying to clone a sheep of our own.

Due to Reilly's propensity for hiding Sheep in odd and sometimes near-irretrievable locations, I decided to take out a little insurance policy: find a duplicate Sheep. Now, this was not the simplest task in the world. You see, Sheepie was a limited edition stuffed animal put out by Kohls in order to raise money for a kids' charity. They don't make Sheepies anymore.

Thank heavens for eBay.
A few weeks back we received Sheep's clone and she has been living happily in my home office-- giving me that just-in-case reassurance. (We have had a few close calls the past couple of weeks!) I hope that we never have to break out the spare, and one day Reilly will be able to give her daughter her very own Sheepie. We have had so much fun watching Reilly with hers, it only seems fair to pay it forward. But, truth be told, there is another reason I hope we never have to resort to Sheep No. 2...



How on earth am I ever going to pass the new Sheepie off as the old one?!?!?

Back to the Garden

Getting back to life as usual after a life-altering event is quite the interesting task. How does one go about the day when you are irrevocably changed?

Me? I headed outside.

For the last couple of days I have spent most of my time in the yard. Mowing the lawn, planting out flower pots, transplanting the pepper & eggplant seedlings to the garden, sowing morning glories by the gazebo trellis.

So far, I have completed the first planting of an 8' x 4' section of the potager. Indeterminate tomatoes (Early Girl, Golden Jubilee, Sweet 100, Yellow Pear, and the semi-determinate Mountain Pride) grow happily along the jute trellis, followed consecutively by jalapeno, Mulato Isleno, and bell peppers. Bride & Hansel eggplants round out the transplants. Also planted today include Copra onions-- a storage variety, two varieties of basil (Mammoth Sweet and Aroma 1--just the thought of its scent takes me to summer!), along with a decorative border of Lemon Gem marigolds and Thai Silk California poppies.

They say that growing peppers alongside marigolds and basil is an excellent pest deterrent. I'm truly hoping this is the case-- for I am totally committed to succeeding at growing bell peppers this year. Every year my mom grows these majestic plants with softball-sized, gorgeous peppers. For the last couple of years, I have been lucky if my plants survive... and typically end up with only a sad, shriveled excuse of a pepper-- or two. Some of it has been pests, and some of it has been a sad lack of tender loving care on my end. Not this year. These babies are growing if it's the last thing I do.

Fresh air, flowers, and sunshine.
If that's not a remedy for a rough week, I don't know what is.

A Mother Heart

I love you, Mom!

Thanks for sharing your mother heart with all who have the pleasure of knowing you.

Happy Mother's Day, everyone.

What is a mother heart and how is one acquired? We learn about some of those qualities in the scriptures. To paraphrase Proverbs: “Who can find a … woman [with a mother heart]? for her price is far above rubies. … She … worketh willingly with her hands. … With the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. … She stretcheth out her hand to the poor. … Strength and honour are her clothing. … She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness” (Prov. 31:10, 13, 16, 20, 25–27). A woman with a mother heart has a testimony of the restored gospel, and she teaches the principles of the gospel without equivocation. She is keeping sacred covenants made in holy temples. Her talents and skills are shared unselfishly. She gains as much education as her circumstances will allow, improving her mind and spirit with the desire to teach what she learns to the generations who follow her.

If she has children, she is a “goodly parent” (1 Ne. 1:1) who lives and teaches standards of behavior exactly in line with the teachings of living prophets. She teaches her “children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord” (D&C 68:28). Rather than listening to the voices and partial truths of the world, she knows that gospel standards are based on eternal, unchangeable truths. She believes that to be “primarily responsible for the nurture of [her] children” is a vital, dignified, and “sacred responsibilit[y]” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Liahona, Oct. 1998, 24; Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102). To nurture and feed them physically is as much an honor as to nurture and feed them spiritually. She is “not weary in well-doing” and delights to serve her family, because she knows that “out of small things proceedeth that which is great” (D&C 64:33).

Covenant-keeping women with mother hearts know that whether motherhood comes early or late; whether they are blessed with a “quiver full” of children here in mortality or not; whether they are single, married, or left to carry the responsibility of parenthood alone—in holy temples they are “endowed with power from on high” (D&C 38:32), and with that endowment they received the promised blessings and are “persuaded of them, and embraced them” (Heb. 11:13).

Every girl and woman who makes and keeps sacred covenants can have a mother heart. There is no limit to what a woman with a mother heart can accomplish. Righteous women have changed the course of history and will continue to do so, and their influence will spread and grow exponentially throughout the eternities. How grateful I am to the Lord for trusting women with the divine mission of motherhood. Like Mother Eve I am “glad” (see Moses 5:11) to know these things.
- Julie B. Beck
A Mother Heart, Apr. 2004 Conference Address

What Itch?

Seven years ago we took a chance on love.

Some people thought we were crazy.
Some people thought it would never last.

But not a day goes by that I don't stop and marvel--
Just when you think you can't love someone more, the next morning comes. And I am always pleasantly surprised by how our love continues to grow year after blessed year.

I am so grateful for our marriage.
For how you make me feel so completely loved at all times.
For how you still make my heart skip a beat just by looking at me.
For how you move through life, trying to do good every day.
For how you love our children and treasure the small moments.
For how you remain-- over all-- true to yourself and true to our marriage.

I love you more today than I ever thought it was possible to love someone.
Happy Anniversary, Bryson.

for jen

they say
that night is always darkest before the dawn.

i'm certain this is true.

for your morning has come-- resplendent in its glory.

and although we must remain
in darkness
a while longer

we cannot help
but smile

for the dawn
that has broken

while you were breaking free.

God's Country

After dinner tonight, Taylor and Reilly were pretending to be airplanes flying from destination to destination around the world.

The armchair, Taylor informed us, was Japan. The love seat? Africa.

Bryson: Well then, where is Australia?

Taylor (pointing to the couch on which they were seated): Daaaaaaaaaad, we're in Australia!

Bryson: Oh... Then where is the United States?

Taylor (solemnly): That's where God lives.

Closer to Love

I apologize for the lack of substantive posts lately. I have a lot on my mind, a lot that I want to say, but for the moment everything remains jumbled up in my brain waiting to gain some sort of cohesive form.

Have you heard the latest single from Mat Kearney? Okay, it has been out awhile, but I just barely heard it on the radio for the first time today as I was driving Taylor to preschool. Listening to the lyrics, I felt like my life was spilling out from the radio in musical form... and was reminded of how blessed we truly are.


for complete music video, please click here.
for lyrics, please click here.

Experiencing love and loss is part of what the human condition is all about. Difficult times come to us all. But we are never alone. I am so incredibly grateful for amazing friends who continue to buoy me up with their love and support. In their acts of compassion I feel not only their love, but also the love of our Savior. And after all is said and done in the world that is what truly remains and what truly matters.

He pulls us closer to His love.
♥

There is another angel in heaven...

Jen passed from this life peacefully around 6 am on Monday, May 4th.


I have no words, so I'll borrow these from a far wiser source:

Life is eternal. We are eternal beings. We lived as intelligent spirits before this mortal life. We are now living part of eternity. Our mortal birth was not the beginning. Death, which faces all of us, is not the end.

As eternal beings, we each have in us a spark of divinity...

As we travel through this topsy-turvy, sinful world filled with temptations and problems, we are humbled by the expectancy of death, the uncertainty of life, and the power and love of God. Sadness comes to all of us in the loss of loved ones. But there is gratitude also—gratitude for the assurance we have that life is eternal; gratitude for the great gospel plan given freely to all of us; gratitude for the life, teachings, and sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Thank God for the life and ministry of the Master, Jesus the Christ, who broke the bonds of death, who is the light and life of the world, who set the pattern, who established the guidelines for all of us, and who proclaimed: “I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.” (John 11:25–26.)

Yes, life is eternal. We live on and on after earth life, even though we ofttimes lose sight of that great basic truth.

This is but a place of temporary duration. We are here to learn the first lesson toward exaltation—obedience to the Lord’s gospel plan.

There is the ever-present expectancy of death, but in reality there is no death—no permanent parting. The resurrection is a reality. The scriptures are replete with evidence. Almost immediately after the glorious resurrection of the Lord, Matthew records: “And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.” (Matt. 27:52–53.)

The spirit world is not far away. Sometimes the veil between this life and the life beyond becomes very thin. Our loved ones who have passed on are not far from us.

May God hasten the day when people everywhere will accept His teaching, His example, and His divinity—yes, when they will accept as a reality His glorious resurrection, which broke the bonds of death for all of us.

- President Ezra Taft Benson
"Life is Eternal", Aug. '91 Ensign