the broken beautiful

Last December I read a fascinating article about the Japanese art of Kintsugi (also referred to as Kintsukuroi)-- which is the tradition of fixing broken pottery with a kind of lacquer resin that is typically mixed with precious metals to create something even more beautiful.

The image of something shattered and broken being made whole and even more valuable has spoken to me over and over ever since. Scarcely a day has gone by that I haven't pondered on that thought.

You see, even from my earliest moments I have had the intense desire to succeed in life. I remember as a child being so excited for everything life would bring. I was going to seize each and every day, and do it perfectly.

I wanted to move mountains.
In fact, if you would have asked me at age 4 what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have even told you in complete seriousness that I was going to be a "mountain climber."

Top of the world, here she comes.
Except.

Little by little my own weaknesses and imperfections began to discourage me. Each mistake made, every misstep inescapably taken, chipped away at my self confidence and unbridled enthusiasm. I became anxious and terrified of failure.

In all outward appearances I tried to keep things together, until everything came crashing down on top of me in the form of a decade-long battle with severe, crippling depression that began my freshman year of college.

Because if you chip away at anything long enough, eventually its structural integrity becomes compromised.

Even then, I stayed in complete denial for far too long and hurt far too many people in the aftermath. I never could admit that I needed help.

Not me.
I could do this.
Until I couldn't.
And at the bottom of it all, I did not even recognize myself anymore. 

It wasn't until I threw all of the broken shards of my hardened heart on the altar and invited the Savior to rescue me from myself that things gradually began to change.

Today I am actually thankful for the experience I went through, because of the countless lessons I learned along the way-- as well as the deepened well of empathy for others I have gained. Yet there are times that the tiny perfectionist in my head starts berating me for all the ways I have fallen short through the years. The time that I will never get back. The moments where I totally blew it.

This is when I remind myself of Kintsugi.
And Romans 8:28.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.

In her signature insightful way, Sister Patricia Holland related her first experience while reading those sacred words:

I don't know exactly how old I was, maybe fourteen or fifteen years of age, when I learned this truth. I only remember being old enough to think I had made too many mistakes in my life to be of any use to anybody... It was at that age—maybe fifteen—that I read for the first time in my life Romans 8:28, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God." I was struck dumb for a minute. Speechless! I remember that moment as if it were locked in time...

With my hands gripping the scriptures, I remember sort of looking up and saying, "Heavenly Father, do you mean that everything that I have ever done, silly or not, good or bad, happy or sad, will come together for my good if I—just love you?" I was incredulous. I can't tell you the joy that filled my heart. At fifteen I hadn't had too many such moments with what really was pure and beautiful revelation. The whole thing was wonderful. I already knew that I loved God; I just didn't know how deeply until that moment. And at that very moment, at that very instant, I knew that God loved me. I didn't know everything I needed to be forgiven of but I felt forgiven.

That moment in my life convinced me I could rise above sorrows or disappointments or mistakes or despair. I felt that day that God was an artist. He would use the very stone of my plain, even pitiful, little life, and refashion it, producing something far more redeeming and substantial.
(Holland, Patricia. "God's Covenant of Peace" 1999 BYU Women's Conference) 

Indeed, He is an artist.
He takes the broken and makes it beautiful.




So if you find yourself discouraged along your path, wondering if you could ever rise from the ashes of fractured dreams and crumbled expectations, take heart.

Brad Wilcox once related a personal story from his time serving as a mission president in Chile, counseling  a missionary who struggled with mistakes in his past. The young elder explained, "President, I look back and see so many flaws. I remember all I have done and feel so ashamed and hypocritical. I know Jesus takes the sins away, but it is the memory of them that bothers me."

Brother Wilcox continued:

Remembering an analogy I had heard years earlier... I went to a nearby shelf and retrieved a marble egg that had been set there for decoration. I said, "Look at the marble. Isn't it beautiful?"

The elder nodded in agreement.

"What makes it beautiful is not that it is free from imperfections... The marble is beautiful and useful because of of the dark veins, not in spite of them. When we repent, our sins are gone, but the memories linger, just like these dark lines. However, as we keep our covenants and experience the sanctifying influence of the Spirit, it is as if those dark lines are polished over time. They actually become part of our beauty."

I testified to this young missionary, "One day when you stand before Christ, you too will be beautiful-- just like the marble-- not because you have no dark, jagged memories in your mind, but literally because you do, and because through repentance... you are willing to let Christ and the Holy Ghost sanctify and polish them.
(Wilcox, Brad. The Continuous Atonement. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2009. Kindle file.)

So, when you feel that you don't bring a lot to the table, remember just how beautiful you are in the eyes of the One who sacrificed all to bring you Home.

He won't merely put the pieces back together again.
Carefully and lovingly, He will transform you into something greater.
You are His masterpiece.

Drop by Drop

The day after Mother's Day.

A morning in which we awaken after a day of praise and adulation and get back to work as usual. A day when we can't help but compare our lives to the idealized portrayals lauded from pulpits and Hallmark cards across the country.  A time when we try our best to take the compliments and roll with it, while wondering in our heart of hearts if we're really doing enough to deserve it.

Because in the real world it's easy to feel that you aren't doing enough. That the seemingly small efforts we give daily simply aren't enough. And in the darkest of hours perhaps you've wondered if you yourself are even "enough."

It is one of the great lies of our time-- that who we are is not enough. In a world of Pinterest perfection, patient perseverance is underappreciated.

We forget that it is through small and simple things that great things are brought to pass. That small means in many instances confounds the wisdom of the so-called experts and lifestyle gurus. (See Alma 37:6)

Little things do count.

Sister Patricia T. Holland tells the story of her great-grandmother, who after having grown up residing in the majestic beauty of the Bern-Interlaken region of Switzerland, joined the Latter-Day Saints. After immigrating to the United States and traveling westward to be with the body of the Church, they were called to settle the tiny community of Enterprise in Southern Utah.

Now while there is a certain kind of beauty to be found in the desert, it is certainly no Switzerland. I would imagine that being called to leave a perfect picture-postcard locale to make one's home in a barren, windblown desert would be quite a trial of faith.

Sister Holland relates:

My great-grandmother decided she would do something about it. With her two hands and a shovel, she harvested some small pine seedlings from the mountains not far away and planted them around the small church building that had just been erected. Then every day she would carry two buckets of water from her home nearly three blocks away, one bucket in each hand, to water those trees and keep them growing. It was arduous work for a little woman bent over with osteoporosis, but she made every drop count in a daily ritual that over time gave each tree a regular, if meager, drink of moisture.

As she made her way through town to water the pines, she would often bring her young granddaughter with her, sharing wisdom and tales of her life growing up in Switzerland. On one such trip, one of the brethren of the community stopped her, wondering after her seemingly futile endeavor.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, husband to Patricia and a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, continues her story:

[The gentleman] said, with something of a dismissive tone, "Oh, Sister Barlocker, why do you make this useless journey each day to water those scrubby little pine trees? They will never survive in this harsh climate and difficult soil, and even if they did, they will never grow to any size in your lifetime. Why don't you just give up and forget your high Swiss hopes in this matter?"

Well, little Sister Barlocker rose to the full 4 feet 8 inches of her stature, looked this good brother in the eye and said, "I know these trees will not grow very large in my lifetime. But if I stay with it, they will live and they will grow. And although I will not enjoy their beauty and their shade, this little girl will. I am doing this for her." 

The little girl alongside this good woman in the story was Sister Holland's mother. And though her grandmother would pass on, she and the entire community of Enterprise would live to see the pine trees grow, and grow, and grow-- until they literally towered over the small town. To this day they stand-- a memorial to a mother and grandmother's love and diligence.
(Holland, Jeffrey R. and Patricia T. "What Time is This?" Brigham Young University Women's Conference. Provo, UT. 4 May, 2007.) 

Just last month our family traveled through Enterprise on our way to Snow Canyon State Park in Southern Utah. We stopped at the old chapel, now a museum for the Daughters of Utah Pioneers and enjoyed our lunch in the shade of those magnificent hundred-year-old pines. As I considered them, I was deeply impressed with just how far-reaching the small actions of our simple lives can be. 

In the trenches of motherhood, there are days and weeks where it may seem that our earnest efforts are feeble and fruitless. The mountains seem too high and the valleys too steep. We labor through exhaustion and discouragement, wondering if we will ever see the end results we yearn for.

Perhaps there are moments when we wonder if we are up to the task.
If we are the right person for such a work and time as this.
If we could ever possibly be "enough."

But you and I are enough and more. For God is with us, and with Him nothing is impossible. (Luke 1:37) He fills in the gaps, brings light to the darkness, and strengthens our aching backs as we struggle to nourish the tiny saplings of our lives.

With Him, it is always "enough."

I loved what Sister Linda S. Reeves had to say in her most recent Conference talk:

I love the prophet Nephi’s declaration of what his people did to fortify the youth of his day: “We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, [and] we prophesy of Christ … that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.”

How can we do this in our homes? Some of you have heard me tell how overwhelmed my husband, Mel, and I felt as the parents of four young children. As we faced the challenges of parenting and keeping up with the demands of life, we were desperate for help. We prayed and pleaded to know what to do. The answer that came was clear: “It is OK if the house is a mess and the children are still in their pajamas and some responsibilities are left undone. The only things that really need to be accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening.”

We were trying to do these things, but they were not always the priority and, amidst the chaos, were sometimes neglected. We changed our focus and tried not to worry about the less-important things. Our focus became to talk, rejoice, preach, and testify of Christ by striving to daily pray and study the scriptures and have weekly family home evening. 

A friend recently cautioned, “When you ask the sisters to read the scriptures and pray more, it stresses them out. They already feel like they have too much to do.

Brothers and sisters, because I know from my own experiences, and those of my husband, I must testify of the blessings of daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening. These are the very practices that help take away stress, give direction to our lives, and add protection to our homes. Then, if... challenges do strike our families, we can petition the Lord for help and expect great guidance from the Spirit, knowing that we have done what our Father has asked us to do.

It's not about the extras. It's about the essentials.
With that as our focus, we will never fail-- messy, chaotic imperfection and all.

And what a beautiful mess it is.

an anthem & an education

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown

Where feet may fail

And there I find you in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You’ve never failed

And you won’t start now

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in your embrace

For I am Yours

And You are mine

Oceans, Hillsong United

 •  •  •

It is interesting to me how life’s experiences take on greater clarity in hindsight. Lessons illuminated and patterns perceived through the active process of reflection. The last year has been an education for me. By traversing the rocky peaks and darkened valleys I have learned a lot about myself, my family, and my God.

I have been able to make peace with my imperfect past, find strength where I previously only thought weakness existed, and recognize just how God can turn all things to our good. That beauty can rise up from ashes.

In short, I’m feeling very content with where my life is headed and who I am gradually becoming. Through the grace of my Savior, I have felt a transformation.
A shifting.
A healing.

Two months ago, Professor Jonathan G. Sandberg delivered a moving devotional at BYU that has touched my heart. He entitled it "Healing = Courage + Action + Grace." I highly recommend it, no matter where you find yourself on life's journey. Healing is the process of a lifetime. In his wonderfully extensive endnotes, Dr. Sandberg relates a story that President Boyd K. Packer shared in the fireside address, "The Edge of the Light." 

The then-Elder Packer has just been sustained and found himself in need of counsel. In his search for answers, he found himself willing to be obedient but realistically could not see how on earth he could accomplish what he was being led to do. Discouraged, Elder Packer spoke with Elder Harold B. Lee, who counseled, "The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning." Elder Packer admitted that he would at least like to see a step or two ahead.

What followed was a lesson that followed President Packer throughout his life: Elder Lee explained, "You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you."   

This has been my experience as well. The fear of the unknown, the desire to know what lies ahead-- these are things that have troubled me all my life.

I kind of have control issues. 

But little by little, I am growing more comfortable with those tentative steps into the darkness. 

Because my Savior has never failed me. And He won't start now.

Faith is really one of those things that can only be truly gained experientially. 

How grateful I have become for the experience!

Frozen Blossoms

In the early spring of this year, we had a span of beautiful, mild weather. The sun came out, the snow melted.  After a harsh winter, it was welcome balm to the soul. Celebrating the change in season with great fanfare, my beloved apricot trees exploded into full blossom. Tensions eased, and I relaxed into a peaceful enjoyment of the season.

But it was not to last.

Irritated that we would dismiss it so quickly, Winter reared its angry head and came roaring back with a vengeance.

In a way, it seemed fitting.

The past year has been filled with ups and downs, twists and turns. Our family has enjoyed moments of serenity and calm, only to shift abruptly into confusion and chaos. Such is life when two of your children are diagnosed with special needs.

And so it was that the return of winter found me with my face pressed up against the glass of our sliding door to the backyard, glaring at the icy storm front headed our way. After all the emotional turmoil I had been through, watching my apricots freeze for a third straight year seemed like the final straw, in a childish, silly way. As the snow began to fly, I said an even more childish prayer-- although it did not seem so frivolous at the time. It went something like this.

Dear Heavenly Father, I am really struggling right now. I feel like my world is unraveling right before my eyes, and I don't know what to do. I really need to feel You near, and I really need to feel Thy love. Please... please, if it is not against Thy will, will You please let some of my apricots survive this year? I know it is a silly request, and not a great matter of consequence, but right now life is breaking my heart. Please, even if just one apricot would be saved... But in all things, let Thy will be done. It's just... you know, if it's not opposed to Thy great plan... please?

And with that, I moved away from the glass and let it go.
The temperatures plummeted, the snow and icy hail blew.
My blossoms froze.
Again and again. Over and over.
I sighed and moved on. It was a pretty silly request, after all.

Honestly, afterward I didn't give it much thought until midsummer, when Bryson came into the house after working in the yard. He had a quizzical look on his face, and as I was about to ask him what was wrong he opened up his hand. In it there was a single-- slightly green-- apricot.

"I just found this on the ground as I was mowing," he explained. "I don't know how it survived all the spring freezes, but somehow it did."

Suddenly the words of my little prayer came back to me.
Even if just one apricot would be saved...

A wave of peace and love rushed over me.
In my heart I thanked God for His tender mercy.

Just one little apricot. For me it was enough. 
And again, I let it go.

So imagine my surprise, when Taylor burst into the house a few weeks later. "Mom! Mom! Look at all the apricots in the tree!"

At first, I was confused. I knew we didn't have apricots. I had checked the trees. None of the blossoms had made it. I asked him if he was sure.

He looked a little uncertain at my words but responded, "Well, then what are all those orange things in the tree?"

I looked out that same glass sliding door I had pressed my face up a few months ago and looked at the apricot tree. Sure enough, a branch was covered with little orange apricots.

I can't even begin to tell you how I felt, standing at the glass and seeing all the fruit that had no earthly business being there. It has been nearly four months since that day, and I still have no words.

Except these:

Life can be so difficult. Heart wrenching, soul piercing difficult. Some days it can be so easy to wonder where on earth God is, or why He has seemingly left us. But I have learned that while there are lessons and trials to be borne here in our mortal lives, that His love never fails. He has never left us alone. His mercy surrounds us. His love is of such depth and breadth that it is absolutely unfathomable to the human mind. And if we let Him, He will show us over and over his love for each of us.

As I have navigated this year, I have wrestled my way through rocky ravines and barren fields of doubt and despair. Choosing faith is not always easy. But it is still a choice.

And when we take that step of faith into the darkness, I have found that always-- eventually-- the light will come. A light filled with peace, love, and understanding.

Last night, the women's auxiliary of our church held a meeting where the artist who is creating the stained glass windows for the new temple under construction in our town spoke to us. It was a beautiful meeting, and the Spirit was strong. At the close of the meeting both the artist and his wife bore testimony of the Lord being able to work with our individual weaknesses and trials; turning them into strengths. To close her own remarks, the wife explained that she had been strongly prompted to sing a song-- remarking that if the Spirit could touch just one person through it, that would be reason enough.

The song that she chose to sing was an eleven year old song by Nichole Nordeman. Relatively unknown, at least in my little corner of the world. And of all the inspirational songs in the world she could have picked, this one was actually a favorite song of mine; one that has gotten me through several tough times.


Truly, God answers prayers. They are not always in the way or time frame we desire, but still answered all the same. Perhaps trials and weaknesses will not be removed from our lives, perhaps for a purpose that only God knows. But if we will give thanks to Him even in the midst of the darkness, peace can be found. And the lessons learned in how to trust Him can lift us to greater heights of light and understanding.

Miracles happen. Once in awhile they are witnessed in big overwhelming manifestations of divine intervention.  Sometimes they exist in the small, seemingly silly tender mercies that remind us of His eternal love. But most of all, they are to be found in the simple inner workings of grace on the human heart.

And for all those and more, I give Him thanks.

Celestial Realities

In my last post, I mentioned that I had been re-reading A Quiet Heart by Patricia Holland. It is one of my most favorite spiritually-themed books, and if you haven't read it, I couldn't recommend it more highly.

While I have studied Sister Holland's words, thoughts from the first chapter of her book have become a kind of mission statement of mine this year. There is so much to ponder and reflect on. As there is simply no way I can expound or improve upon her own thoughts, I share her words here:

Isn't it sometimes discouraging to see just how easily the adversary uses such earthly issues as vanity and worry, envy and pettiness to distract us from our divine mission and the unity we could enjoy in the Church? We all get discouraged and distracted-- caught up in the thick of thin things-- no matter how good we are. But do we have time, energy, or emotion to waste on what dress to wear or whose living room is the loveliest? 

We have real things to think about, things of the kingdom of God. We need to drink more deeply and be filled more fully for the work that lies ahead of us.

Let me suggest some ways that this fullness can come. Often when I face difficulties, I need to turn off the phone, lock the door, kneel in earnest prayer, and then curl up in a chair and meditate, contemplate, search the scriptures, and cry out again and again in my heart, completely focusing my mind on the mind and will and presence of God until I can see a clear picture of Him...

Now, I can just hear you say, "Pat, get real. I don't have five minutes to do that, let alone an hour or two. I am exhausted now just trying to keep up with things." I know all about your life, because it is my life, too. I am busy also, and I have been for as long as I can remember... But that has everything to do with the point I wish to make.

I realize that life has to go on and that you will not be able to pursue this heavenly communication in a completely uninterrupted way, but if it is a high priority and a fundamental goal in your life, you will find ways, early or late, to be with God. If the key to your car or your mortgage payment check or a child were lost, would you take time to find them? Wouldn't finding them provide the peace you needed to then go about your day? If God is lost in your life and you are not going to be strong or stable without him, can you be focused and fixed enough to find him?

...President Gordon B. Hinckley has spoken often of meditation. My husband [Elder Jeffrey R. Holland] has commented on how often, in speaking to the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve, he has asked that they make sure they take time for thoughtfulness, for pondering, for introspection, for meditation. He often refers to a statement of President David O. McKay: "Meditation is the language of the soul. It is defined as 'a form of private devotion, or spiritual exercise, consisting in deep, continued reflection on some religious theme" (in Conference Report, April 1946, 113).

Somewhere in our lives there must be time and room for such personal communion. Somewhere in our lives there must be time and room for the celestial realities we say we believe in-- or when will millennial peace be ours?

The kind of contemplation, reflection, and yearning for God I am speaking of can't be accomplished very handily with cellular phones, computers, or a blaring TV. God can enter our realm only at our invitation. He stands at the door and knocks always, but someone has to hear that knock and let him enter. In this effort we ought to do whatever we can to make our houses... the temples, quite literally, that God intends them to be. Places for the Spirit of the Lord to dwell. Places for meditation, contemplation, prayer, and study. Places where good conversation and charity out of a pure heart can be present. Places where we find the fulness of God.

We need to simplify and spiritualize and celestialize. If most of what we are doing doesn't fit these categories, if at least some part of our day is not turned to heaven, then we have a wrenching, rending emptiness awaiting us... We simply have to see what we can eliminate, what we can replace with something higher and holier, more reflective, compassionate, and eternal. Second only to dedicated temples, our homes are to be the sacred edifices of the Lord, places of peace and holiness and sanctity. 

(Holland, Patricia T. A Quiet Heart. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2000. Kindle file.)

Food for thought.

{five things • xxviii}

Well, three months have come and gone in the blink of an eye. This year has proven to be quite the roller coaster ride for our little family, but we are still standing strong. I must have written at least a dozen posts in my head over my blogging hiatus; perhaps some of them will make their way here in the coming weeks. In the meantime, I thought jumping back in with a Five Things post would be a good way to catch up a little on all the goings-on here.

- one -

Getting tested for Celiac disease with some help from Dora

As crazy as I thought last year was with all of Reilly's health issues, this year has been even more intense. 

There has not been a single child excluded from our medical smorgasbord this year. Lots of stress, lots of worry. Thankfully, most concerns have turned out to be less serious than initially thought or have resolved somewhat with some dietary adjustments here in the home.

I have done a lot of researching, reading, pondering, and praying. I have learned much about different schools of thought when it comes to diet and healing. It is amazing to me how the body can heal itself when given the proper tools through appropriate nourishment.

Currently, we are trying to work our way through sensory processing disorder, likely gluten intolerance, and kidney reflux. 

Excited about her "hospital dress"

Just a couple of weeks ago we took Dani up to Primary Children's in Salt Lake to have her tested for kidney reflux. She was showing similar symptoms like Reilly had when she was first diagnosed-- and statistically she had a very decent chance of having the same condition as it is genetically linked. Fortunately for all of us, the test results came back negative.  

While I wish we had some answers as to why she was experiencing so much pain, I am grateful that I don't have to worry about her having the same health issues as Reilly.

Hopefully her symptoms will not return.

- two -

I've been thinking a lot about this post that I wrote back in December of last year. It resonates even more with me now that it did then.

In our culture, it seems that we typically interpret [the] phrase "endure to the end" as one of those necessary evils of life... 'Endure' is synonymous with pain, difficulty. Just thinking about it makes people tired.

Coming from an athletic background, this take has always intrigued me a little.

I swam competitively for over ten years, and coached for many, many more afterward. Being that I am decidedly short and curvy, I myself have never been praised for my natural sprinting abilities. I simply don't have the physical attributes necessary to succeed against a competitive field of Missy Franklin look-alikes. But the endurance events, ah! That's where I finally was able to find my niche. 

Which leads me to this important thought:

In athletics, endurance is not a bad thing.  
To the contrary, it is something to strive for. 

Also in that post, I wrote about Bryson's and my friend Jarom, who is an ultra-marathoner and works with recovering addicts. Well coincidentally enough, KSL did a fabulous piece on him this last week and I thought I'd share it here. (Click on Sunday Edition: Segment 2, or for a shortened version with text click here.) It's well worth your time.

- three -

It never fails to amaze me how God can speak words of encouragement to our hearts if we only open our eyes to see and ears to hear. Lately a little tender mercy has been inserted into my days through this song:

I am not exaggerating when I tell you that this song has been the first or second song that comes on the radio every time I have gotten in my car at the beginning of the day for the last couple of weeks-- at least 80% of the time. It helps remind me to keep everything in perspective and to know that I am never alone.

- four -

Lately, I am really enjoying studying the words of Elder Richard G. Scott-- specifically his writings on personal revelation and the Holy Ghost, and Sister Patricia T. Holland. If you haven't read Sister Holland's book A Quiet Heart, you must, you must, you must! It's on a very short list of books I re-read every year. I've been working my way through it again this month and will probably write some more about some of the insights I've gleaned from her wisdom this time around.

Some links I highly recommend:

"To Acquire Knowledge and the Strength to Use it Wisely," Elder Richard G. Scott (video here)
"How to Obtain Revelation and Inspiration for Your Personal Life," Elder Richard G. Scott
"Be Renewed in the Spirit of Your Mind," Sister Patricia T. Holland (video here)
"The Soul's Center," Sister Patricia T. Holland (video here)
"What Time is This?" Elder Jeffrey R. Holland & Sister Patricia T. Holland (video here)

- five -

And.... just because I can't resist the cuteness:

This little guy makes me laugh every day.

• • •

And those are my Five Things for the week!
Thanks for hosting the regular blog hop, Heather. Best wishes to you and yours.
♥

Protect the Nestlings

It has been quite the week.

Bombings in Boston, explosions in Waco, massive flooding in my hometown of Chicago, a (small) earthquake here in our little corner of Utah. To say nothing of all of the political and international craziness that is currently going on.

These are interesting times, to say the least.

Here in our home the kids have been battling a particularly nasty stomach bug, and we are also trying to come to grips with how to approach ongoing health concerns with two of them in particular.

In the aftermath of this week the warrior mom has awoken in me. I want nothing more than to circle the wagons and protect my little brood from the approaching storms-- physical and spiritual.

As such, this story related by President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve has stuck with me ever since his address earlier this month. 

The back windows of our home overlook a small flower garden and the woods which border a small stream. One wall of the house borders on the garden and is thickly covered with English ivy. Most years this ivy has been the nesting place for house finches. The nests in the vines are safe from foxes and raccoons and cats that are about.

One day there was a great commotion in the ivy. Desperate cries of distress came as 8 or 10 finches from the surrounding woods came to join in this cry of alarm. I soon saw the source of the commotion. A snake had slid partway down out of the ivy and hung in front of the window just long enough for me to pull it out. The middle part of the snake’s body had two bulges—clear evidence convicting it of taking two fledglings from the nest. Not in the 50 years we had lived in our home had we seen anything like that. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience—or so we thought.

A few days later there was another commotion, this time in the vines covering our dog run. We heard the same cries of alarm, the gathering of the neighborhood finches. We knew what the predator was. A grandson climbed onto the run and pulled out another snake that was still holding on tightly to the mother bird it had caught in the nest and killed.

I said to myself, “What is going on? Is the Garden of Eden being invaded again?”

There came into my mind the warnings spoken by the prophets. We will not always be safe from the adversary’s influence, even within our own homes. We need to protect our nestlings.

(Boyd K. Packer, "These Things I Know," Apr. 2013 Conference Report)

I may not be able to control the environment that swirls around us in society, but I can do my best to control the environment inside my own home. There may be chaos out in the world, but here within these four walls there can be peace.

In the Bible Dictionary, under the heading "Temple," we read:

A temple is literally a house of the Lord, a holy sanctuary in which sacred ceremonies and ordinances of the gospel are performed... A place where the Lord may come, it is the most holy of any place of worship on the earth. Only the home can compare with the temple in sacredness.

Only the home can compare with the temple in sacredness.

When I read those words for the first time several years ago, I was convicted in my heart. 

Was my home a refuge from the world? 

Sacred?

As time has gone by, I have made it my personal mission to create such an environment in our home. It's not by any means perfect, but we have made great strides. For me at least, it has become a sanctuary of peace. A place where we feel safe, secure, loved.

To quote President Packer again:

Latter-day Saints recognize the transcendent importance of the family and strive to live in such a way that the adversary cannot steal into our homes. We find safety and security for ourselves and our children in honoring the covenants we have made and living up to the ordinary acts of obedience required of the followers of Christ.

Isaiah said, “The work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever.” (see Isaiah 32:17)

That peace is also promised in the revelations in which the Lord declares, “If ye are prepared ye shall not fear.” (see D&C 38:30)

I have come to know that faith is a real power, not just an expression of belief. There are few things more powerful than the faithful prayers of a righteous mother.

(Boyd K. Packer, "These Things I Know," Apr. 2013 Conference Report, emphasis added)

I believe in the power of faith.
The power of prayer.

I have experienced the power of the Holy Ghost enlightening my mind with insights that I would have never come to on my own merits. I know that God desires to bless His children, and that He will succor them, particularly in the sacred work of parenthood.

These times may be uncertain.
They may be filled with peril, both seen and unseen.

But through our faith, sacrifice, and reliance on the arm of Jehovah, we can protect our nestlings.

And in His loving embrace, we can find peace.

○ ○ ○

Come and share your thoughts on this talk with Becca and the rest of the General Conference Book Club at My Soul Delighteth.

Forget Me Not

I'm tired. I'm worn. My heart is heavy.

Lyrics from a Tenth Avenue North song that ring true in my life right now.

I am run down.
Burned out.

I am weighed down with concern for two of my children who are dealing with different health issues. Struggling to learn how best to help them and move forward. And it's difficult to keep balance in other areas of your life when you're just so weary.

I have been putting up a good fight, though. Most days I feel emotionally, mentally, and spiritually secure. Most days. Not all days. Certainly the daylight hours after a night of stress-induced insomnia can bring anyone's spirits down, though.

Through all of this, I have deliberately made an effort to stay focused on keeping the Spirit in our home. And I have found one of the most assured ways to make certain that this happens is to be obedient to the promptings of the still small voice when they come.

It's not always easy.
It's not always convenient.
And just to be perfectly clear-- I am completely imperfect at both listening and following through.
I am trying, however.

And so it was that I was driving along after dropping off our two oldest at school, with these thoughts and worries weighing on my mind. 

I had errands to run, and I was planning on going to our local supermarket when I had a vague feeling that I should instead go to one not too far from where the kids attend school. It seemed fairly reasonable, so I headed in that direction. As I continued down the road, I passed a store that I seldom enter: Intermountain Farmers Association.

When the store came into my sights, I suddenly had a very strong but very short prompting that I should go there. Being that I am not a farmer by any stretch of the imagination-- and had absolutely no reason to stop-- I was seriously doubtful about it. After the thought popped into my head, I actually said "Really?!?" out loud in what may or may not have been a terribly sarcastic tone.

I drove past the store.
And then I felt guilty about it the rest of the day.  

Yesterday morning, I decided to take a leap of faith and follow through. As I saw the store approach, once again I felt that I needed to go in. This time I did.

Getting out the car, I took a deep breath and just said a silent prayer that went something like this:

I have absolutely no idea why You have sent me here, but here I am. Please help me know why, because I really feel like a complete idiot right now. If there is something I am supposed to do here, please show me and I will try to do Thy will.

Looking around, I decided to head for the very small garden nursery on the side of the building. I was pretty sure I wasn't there for livestock feed, after all.

They had flats of pansies.
I love spring pansies.

As I admired the flowers, I noticed that there was a small display of potted shrubs for sale. Looking closer, I couldn't believe my eyes.

A variety of butterfly bush that I had spent the greater part of last year searching for without success was sitting right in front of me. On sale for half price, no less.

Heading inside to pay for my beloved little plant, I decided to look at their garden seed display. In years past, I hadn't been too terribly tempted by their varieties-- much preferring the heirloom and rare to the common hybrids typically sold. But I figured while I was here, why not? In the constant stress of the last couple of months, I hadn't had time to order my favorite seeds by mail.

Again, I stood in amazement as I found every single variety I had been lacking. Even the strange and rare gourd seeds I traditionally get for my mom each year for her birthday-- all there.

As I headed up to the counter, I saw a packet of seeds out of the corner of my eye. Picking them up, I smiled and added them to my collection.   

Forget-me-nots.

The words of a much beloved sermon came into my mind, and I clearly understood why I was there that morning:

...Forget not that the Lord loves you.

As a child, when I would look at the little forget-me-nots, I sometimes felt a little like that flower—small and insignificant. I wondered if I would be forgotten by my family or by my Heavenly Father.

Years later I can look back on that young boy with tenderness and compassion. And I do know now—I was never forgotten.

And I know something else: as an Apostle of our Master, Jesus Christ, I proclaim with all the certainty and conviction of my heart—neither are you!

You are not forgotten.

Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!

He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom.

(Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Forget Me Not," Oct 2011 Conference Report)

I learned an unexpected lesson yesterday. One I will never forget.
The Lord wants us to know and understand just how much He loves us.
The question is, do we stop to listen?

How many times had He tried to tell me before, and I hadn't even noticed?

He has my attention now-- love washing over me with a peace and stillness that has been lacking in my world lately. Mending my heart that has been frail and torn.

I'm worn.
But not worn out.
And for that, I thank Him.

A Letter to a Friend

Dear Emily,

You have been on my mind so much as of late. Even though hundreds of miles and several states separate us physically, I have felt a close kinship to you spiritually. I suppose that is to be expected and cherished with childhood friends.

Entrance to Enlightenment, oil on board, 1988, by Johan H. Benthin

I hope you know how much I admire you. To me, you represent the pinnacle of triumph over adversity. You have overcome so much in your life, and while many things could have made you bitter you choose to move forward in your life as a radiant, powerful daughter of God and follower of Christ.

I know things have been difficult for you lately. I understand how challenging it can be to continue on in the face of raging storms and obscured paths.

As I read the words you wrote recently, I found myself completely empathizing with you-- for I have stood in similar shoes time and time again. You said:

These past few weeks have really gotten me thinking about Job. How do you lose everything and still praise God? That is such an amazing Faith that I do not yet have. When you feel like the devil is running rampant trying to take everything you have, how on earth do you trust that it will ever end positively? ...Haven't I proven my strength? Why do I continue to be tested? When does it all end?

You and I may not have journeyed down identical roads of trial and tribulation, but I have also walked through stretches of deepened darkness and despair. I have echoed in my heart so many times the song of David:

Have mercy upon me, O Lord; for I am weak: O Lord, heal me; for my bones are vexed.

My soul is also sore vexed: but thou, O Lord, how long?

Return, O Lord, deliver my soul: oh save me for thy mercies’ sake...

I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears. (Psalm 6:2-4,6)

Although we may cry out, "The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me!"
Our God reassuringly speaks peace to our anxious hearts:

Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.

Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands. (see Isaiah 49:13-16)

I cannot answer all the whys of this life. I do not fully understand why some people have to experience tremendous pain and suffering while others do not.

But what I do know is this:
That in Christ, all things are possible.

He Himself said, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace.  In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

C. S. Lewis phrased it this way, “God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain.”

Someone whose sermons I adore is Jeffrey R. Holland. In my faith tradition we sustain him as a modern-day apostle of the Lord. His retelling of the story of Elisha and the Syrian army cheers and sustains me through the difficult moments in life:

Elisha, with a power known only to the prophets, had counseled the king of Israel on how and where and when to defend against the warring Syrians. The king of Syria, of course, wished to rid his armies of this prophetic problem. So—and I quote:

Therefore sent he thither horses, and chariots, and a great host: and they came by night, and compassed the city about. . . . an host compassed the city both with horses and chariots. (2 Kings 6:14–15)

If Elisha is looking for a good time to be depressed, this is it... It is one prophet and one lad against the world. And the boy is petrified. He sees the enemy everywhere—difficulty and despair and problems and burdens everywhere... With faltering faith the boy cries, “Alas, my master! How shall we do?”

And Elisha’s reply? “Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them” (2 Kings 6:15–16).

“They that be with us?” Now just an Israelite minute here. Faith is fine and courage is wonderful, but this is ridiculous, the boy thinks. There are no others with them. He can recognize a Syrian army when he sees one, and he knows that one child and an old man are not strong odds against it. But then comes Elisha’s promise:

Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them. And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha. (2 Kings 6:16–17)

In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of [heaven and earth], and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike—and they will—you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection. They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of [God's children].
(Jeffrey R. Holland, "For Times of Trouble," BYU Devotional, 18 Mar 1980)

When hurricanes of life barrel down upon me, I try to remember those unseen angels helping me fight my battles. One of my favorite modern-day scriptures states, "And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." (D&C 84:88)

Or, as Chris Tomlin says in more modern vernacular, "I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind: The God of angel armies is always by my side."

That thought in tandem with these words of Isaiah give me tremendous comfort and peace:

Sing, O heavens; and be joyful, O earth; and break forth into singing, O mountains:  for the Lord hath comforted his people and will have mercy upon his afflicted. (Isaiah 49:13)

I wish I could be with you in person-- to give you a hug and tell you just how much I love you and am thankful to have our friendship to bless my life. But these words will have to suffice for now.

But please know of my love.
And more importantly, His love.
Cling to His promises, and find solace in your strong supportive faith community.

And when those darkening moments come, take heart.
For all of the greatest heroines of this life have overcome formidable and unyielding obstacles.

And you, my dear friend, are one beloved heroine.  

With much love,
Tiff

• • •

Over the weekend, our faith's General Conference of the church was held. For two days we gather to listen to thoughts of comfort and counsel from our church's leaders. I thought these words from another beloved modern-day apostle were timely and moving. I am certain I will return to them often on the difficult days ahead.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Hope of God's Light," Apr. 2013 Conference Report

 

And some more comfort from one of yours & my favorite people-- Chris August, along with Group 1 Crew. Always a good reminder.

Surrender

For the last couple of decades of my life, I have had an uneasy relationship with the story of the young rich man spoken of in the gospels of the New Testament. (See Matthew 19, Mark 10) When the Savior tells him that in order to obtain eternal life he must keep the commandments, the young man replies, "All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet?"

There have been several times in my life that I have come to the Lord with that very same question, and being convicted by the Spirit with certain aspects of my life that needed changing or forsaking, I would react just as the young man did-- saddened and unwilling to make the change. I wasn't quite ready to give up the proverbial summer cottage in Babylon.

In his recent General Conference address, Elder Robert C. Gay recounts the story of another rich and worldly man from the Book of Mormon who posed a similar question.  King Lamoni's father, being stirred by the words of the Lord's servant Aaron pleaded, "What shall I do that I may be born of God, having this wicked spirit rooted out of my breast, and receive his Spirit[?] ... I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy."

Aaron answered him, "If thou will repent of all thy sins, and will bow down before God, and call on his name in faith, believing that ye shall receive, then shalt thou receive the hope which thou desirest."

It was with this understanding that King Lamoni's father prayed fervently to the Father, "O God... I will give away all my sins to know thee."

As a teenager and young adult, I always admired this response from the Lamanite king and wished that I too had that same kind of resolve. But it always seemed too hard, too extreme. There was no way I could do it on my own.

And you know what?
I was right.
I couldn't do it on my own.

But with the help of my Savior, well, that's another story altogether.

I love these words from an apostle of the Lord, Elder David A. Bednar:

If I were to emphasize one overarching point this morning, it would be this: I suspect that you and I are much more familiar with the nature of the redeeming power of the Atonement than we are with the enabling power of the Atonement. It is one thing to know that Jesus Christ came to earth to die for us. That is fundamental and foundational to the doctrine of Christ. But we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to live in us—not only to direct us but also to empower us. I think most of us know that when we do things wrong, when we need help to overcome the effects of sin in our lives, the Savior has paid the price and made it possible for us to be made clean through His redeeming power. Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient and worthy and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully. I frankly do not think many of us “get it” concerning this enabling and strengthening aspect of the Atonement, and I wonder if we mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities. ("In the Strength of the Lord," Oct. 2001 BYU Devotional)

I have since learned that it is only when I lay everything I have, everything I am down on His altar and surrender all to His tender care, that I am transformed. Reborn.

And suddenly, those sticky sins that seem so very difficult to excise from our lives slip away without much struggle.

In the words of author John Pontius, "If we yield ourselves to His direction He will show us what to do first, and give us the power to do it. He will direct us, step by step, all along the way home. Additionally, as we obey Him, He will change and purify our hearts. As our hearts become single to His glory, we will find the changes we thought most impossible will just quietly, sweetly occur. The patience which previously eluded us, the gentleness we never knew, the love and brotherly kindness we thought unattainable, the powerful prayers and faith we yearned for, yet never attained-- all these and many more precious gifts will simply distill upon our souls." (Following the Light of Christ, Ch. 3)

I know this is true, because I have lived it.

Left to ourselves, we are weak, imperfect.
In Christ, we are made whole. Complete.

And all it takes to begin is that first step in His direction.

To quote Elder Gay once more:

The Lord loves our righteousness but asks of us continued repentance and submission.

This is the exchange the Savior is asking of us: we are to give up all our sins, big or small, for the Father’s reward of eternal life. We are to forget self-justifying stories, excuses, rationalizations, defense mechanisms, procrastinations, appearances, personal pride, judgmental thoughts, and doing things our way. We are to separate ourselves from all worldliness and take upon us the image of God in our countenances. (see Alma 5:14)

Brothers and sisters, remember that this charge is more than just not doing bad things. With an engaged enemy we must also act and not sit in “thoughtless stupor.” Taking upon the countenance of God means serving each other. There are sins of commission and sins of omission, and we are to rise above both. ("What Shall a Man Give in Exchange for His Soul?" Oct. 2012 Conference Report)

As a young mother of five small children, I frequently felt completely overwhelmed by all that I had to accomplish and never seemed to complete. My to-do list was just too long, and just the thought of adding in all of the spiritual elements that I knew were lacking in my day was incredibly daunting. It seemed absolutely impossible. I literally didn't think there were enough hours in the day. But when I made the decision to lay this burden at His feet a couple of months ago and seek out His will for me--nothing wavering, a gradual shift began to take place in our home. Things that were unnecessary and perhaps damaging began to slip away. In its absence, time was made available to center my days on the things that matter most-- and I have been amazed in how much of a difference just a few weeks can make.The difference has been palpable.

In Christ, truly all things are possible.
He strengthens us, helps us, and causes us to stand. In the midst of it all, He upholds us by the enabling power of His infinite and eternal Atonement.

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.

And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them. (Ezekiel 36:26-27)

Where we are weak, He is strong. And if we so desire, He can make us new creatures in Him.

His promises are sure.

• • •

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