pulling up roots

I've made the slightly scary decision to pull up roots here at my old domain on Blogger, where I've been for over six-and-a-half years! While it's still a bit of a work in progress, I hope you'll join me over at my new site: http://www.anensignwaving.com

Here's to new beginnings!

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{ten things for friday • xxix}

If you've been on social media lately, you may have seen the "Ten Book Challenge" that's currently making the rounds. The general gist of it is to make a list of ten books that have stayed with you over time-- not to over-think it, but name the first ten that come to mind. They don't have to be necessarily "great" works of literary art-- that term alone gives me flashbacks to Dr. J. Evans Pritchard, PhD. They simply have to be great in the way that they have influenced your life.

I was challenged by my good friend and fellow Downers Grove South H.S. alumna Julie Miller, and being a passionate bibliophile took her up on it. Without thinking too much about it, I listed my ten. Soon after, my friend Lisa expressed an interest as to why I chose the works that I did, so I told her I'd do a write-up of my reasons.

And here we are.

1. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein

When I first read this story as a young child, I hated it. I totally didn't get it, and thought that the tree was incredibly foolish for letting the boy walk all over her (it?). Why on earth would she be happy being used in such a way? Ugh. No thank you. Move along; nothing to see here.

But. Over time I grew to appreciate this little tale as my own experience of love and relationships grew and developed. Whether you read Silverstein's parable as an allegory of a parent-child relationship, or perhaps a metaphor of God's unconditional love-- this children's story is timeless and poignant.

2. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett

Another book that I first read as a girl, this book is one of the reasons I love gardening so very much. The idea of the hidden garden, full of mystery and romance was incredibly influential to me.

Aside from that though, the major theme of love as the great healing agent rings so true to me personally. That people can change, walls can come down, and when we look past outward appearances and snap judgments that we see the wonderful and lovely humanity in all of us.

(As a side note-- I spent the morning before I made this list working in my garden. After the fact, I mused that had I spent the morning writing I probably would have picked a different book in its stead-- Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. Jo March was one of my girlhood heroes. Either way, both novels have impacted me greatly.)

3. One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

Part poetry, part memoir, Voskamp's book has created a movement in the Christian world. Her challenge to find gratitude even in the midst of darkness has provided me with much to reflect upon.

As a writer, I am inspired by her signature blend of expressing faith-filled topics with a grace and lyrical style that is more than just liturgy. Rather, her words are art.

As a reader, I am moved to find beauty in all the little moments-- God-winks in all their myriad shapes and sizes.

4. North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell

I have a huge love of 19th century English literature, and love all the greats of that era. Austen, Dickens, the Brontës, Hardy. But when forced to choose just one from the genre, I pick the slightly more obscure North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell. Think similar themes to Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, but a little more brooding ambience and greater social commentary.  

In fact, awhile back I dedicated an entire post to my kinship to the novel's hero, Margaret Hale.

Throw in a fabulous BBC adaptation of Gaskell's work (Richard Armitage as Thornton? Shut the front door.), and its place is firmly secured on my list. 

5. The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner

Just mention the title of this classic to me and suddenly I'm back sitting in my senior year English honors class at Downers South with the immortal Richard Connaughton. Hands down the most challenging work I studied in high school, it opened my eyes to the power of words to pick you up, swirl around you like a tornado, and leave you utterly changed. 

The stream-of-consciousness style explored in the first section of the novel was like nothing I had ever experienced, and as I threw myself into Benjy Compson's world for the first time, the power of Faulker's method on my young mind was intense. 

6. The Lorax by Dr. Seuss

I had a bit of an internal tug-of-war on this one, trying to choose between The Lorax and The Sneetches. Ultimately, our friend the lifted lorax won out.

I've always felt a deep connection to the earth, and have pretty strong opinions about our God-given stewardship of this beautiful world we call home. Obviously then, the environmental themes resonate with me. It's also a favorite story of my budding ecologist, nine-year-old Taylor.

But just as much, I love the idea that even when everything seems dark and lost, there is still hope for the future. Things can change if we have the courage to be the good in the world. I adore that Seuss' tale ends on that hopeful note. 

7. A Quiet Heart by Patricia T. Holland

A book that I reread at least once every year, it's probably the single most quoted work here on my blog. Of all the wonderful, strong female writers of my faith, Sister Holland's words have influenced me the very most. (And if you know how much I love other strong Mormon women like Sheri Dew, Valerie Hudson, and Julie Beck, that's saying a great deal!)

My parents gave me this book for my birthday during a particularly difficult time in my life, and I'm forever grateful that they did. It will make you laugh, ponder, and inspire you to deepen your trust and relationship with God.

8. The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

I picked this of Lewis' canon, though I could have populated this entire list with just his works. Narnia, The Screwtape Letters, Mere Christianity-- all pivotal and precious books in my library. But I picked The Great Divorce because of the way it has spoken to me personally. 

I was first introduced to this more obscure work of Lewis' by my favorite religion professor at BYU, Richard Draper. The influence of St. Augustine, Milton, Dante, Blake, and George MacDonald mix beautifully alongside the signature Lewis wisdom and wit mix to create a thought-provoking, fantastic tale.

9. The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

This book has left its footprints on my heart for so many reasons. It reminds me to always consider the important things in life. And that the important things aren't always what we'd immediately consider as an adult in the modern world. It asks the reader to reconsider exactly what true matters of consequence are, and look at life with more childlike eyes. One of my favorite quotes of all time comes from its pages: "One sees clearly only with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye."

Also, on a slightly more personal note, my mom gave a copy to my dad of this book as an engagement present. I've always thought that was such a lovely and sweet gift. Consequently, I had a lot of meaningful one-on-one talks about "matters of consequence" growing up. :)

10. Sacred Writ, including but not limited to the Bible and the Book of Mormon

Such a list would not be complete-- nor accurate-- without the inclusion of Scripture. Something I am given to reading every single day, these sacred books have had a very real and profound influence in who I am today. 

The teachings of Jesus Christ are collectively the singular lodestar of my life. I love Him and worship Him as the Master Teacher and Savior of the world. Because of Him I have experienced peace that passes all understanding. (See Philippians 4:7)

• • •

So, there you go, Lisa! Probably way more than you ever wanted to know on the subject, but it was a fun exercise for me to revisit exactly why these were the works that came immediately to my mind at this time in my life. I think you learn a lot about a person by the books one might put on their "Top Ten."

What would you put on yours?

the broken beautiful

Last December I read a fascinating article about the Japanese art of Kintsugi (also referred to as Kintsukuroi)-- which is the tradition of fixing broken pottery with a kind of lacquer resin that is typically mixed with precious metals to create something even more beautiful.

The image of something shattered and broken being made whole and even more valuable has spoken to me over and over ever since. Scarcely a day has gone by that I haven't pondered on that thought.

You see, even from my earliest moments I have had the intense desire to succeed in life. I remember as a child being so excited for everything life would bring. I was going to seize each and every day, and do it perfectly.

I wanted to move mountains.
In fact, if you would have asked me at age 4 what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have even told you in complete seriousness that I was going to be a "mountain climber."

Top of the world, here she comes.
Except.

Little by little my own weaknesses and imperfections began to discourage me. Each mistake made, every misstep inescapably taken, chipped away at my self confidence and unbridled enthusiasm. I became anxious and terrified of failure.

In all outward appearances I tried to keep things together, until everything came crashing down on top of me in the form of a decade-long battle with severe, crippling depression that began my freshman year of college.

Because if you chip away at anything long enough, eventually its structural integrity becomes compromised.

Even then, I stayed in complete denial for far too long and hurt far too many people in the aftermath. I never could admit that I needed help.

Not me.
I could do this.
Until I couldn't.
And at the bottom of it all, I did not even recognize myself anymore. 

It wasn't until I threw all of the broken shards of my hardened heart on the altar and invited the Savior to rescue me from myself that things gradually began to change.

Today I am actually thankful for the experience I went through, because of the countless lessons I learned along the way-- as well as the deepened well of empathy for others I have gained. Yet there are times that the tiny perfectionist in my head starts berating me for all the ways I have fallen short through the years. The time that I will never get back. The moments where I totally blew it.

This is when I remind myself of Kintsugi.
And Romans 8:28.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.

In her signature insightful way, Sister Patricia Holland related her first experience while reading those sacred words:

I don't know exactly how old I was, maybe fourteen or fifteen years of age, when I learned this truth. I only remember being old enough to think I had made too many mistakes in my life to be of any use to anybody... It was at that age—maybe fifteen—that I read for the first time in my life Romans 8:28, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God." I was struck dumb for a minute. Speechless! I remember that moment as if it were locked in time...

With my hands gripping the scriptures, I remember sort of looking up and saying, "Heavenly Father, do you mean that everything that I have ever done, silly or not, good or bad, happy or sad, will come together for my good if I—just love you?" I was incredulous. I can't tell you the joy that filled my heart. At fifteen I hadn't had too many such moments with what really was pure and beautiful revelation. The whole thing was wonderful. I already knew that I loved God; I just didn't know how deeply until that moment. And at that very moment, at that very instant, I knew that God loved me. I didn't know everything I needed to be forgiven of but I felt forgiven.

That moment in my life convinced me I could rise above sorrows or disappointments or mistakes or despair. I felt that day that God was an artist. He would use the very stone of my plain, even pitiful, little life, and refashion it, producing something far more redeeming and substantial.
(Holland, Patricia. "God's Covenant of Peace" 1999 BYU Women's Conference) 

Indeed, He is an artist.
He takes the broken and makes it beautiful.




So if you find yourself discouraged along your path, wondering if you could ever rise from the ashes of fractured dreams and crumbled expectations, take heart.

Brad Wilcox once related a personal story from his time serving as a mission president in Chile, counseling  a missionary who struggled with mistakes in his past. The young elder explained, "President, I look back and see so many flaws. I remember all I have done and feel so ashamed and hypocritical. I know Jesus takes the sins away, but it is the memory of them that bothers me."

Brother Wilcox continued:

Remembering an analogy I had heard years earlier... I went to a nearby shelf and retrieved a marble egg that had been set there for decoration. I said, "Look at the marble. Isn't it beautiful?"

The elder nodded in agreement.

"What makes it beautiful is not that it is free from imperfections... The marble is beautiful and useful because of of the dark veins, not in spite of them. When we repent, our sins are gone, but the memories linger, just like these dark lines. However, as we keep our covenants and experience the sanctifying influence of the Spirit, it is as if those dark lines are polished over time. They actually become part of our beauty."

I testified to this young missionary, "One day when you stand before Christ, you too will be beautiful-- just like the marble-- not because you have no dark, jagged memories in your mind, but literally because you do, and because through repentance... you are willing to let Christ and the Holy Ghost sanctify and polish them.
(Wilcox, Brad. The Continuous Atonement. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2009. Kindle file.)

So, when you feel that you don't bring a lot to the table, remember just how beautiful you are in the eyes of the One who sacrificed all to bring you Home.

He won't merely put the pieces back together again.
Carefully and lovingly, He will transform you into something greater.
You are His masterpiece.

Drop by Drop

The day after Mother's Day.

A morning in which we awaken after a day of praise and adulation and get back to work as usual. A day when we can't help but compare our lives to the idealized portrayals lauded from pulpits and Hallmark cards across the country.  A time when we try our best to take the compliments and roll with it, while wondering in our heart of hearts if we're really doing enough to deserve it.

Because in the real world it's easy to feel that you aren't doing enough. That the seemingly small efforts we give daily simply aren't enough. And in the darkest of hours perhaps you've wondered if you yourself are even "enough."

It is one of the great lies of our time-- that who we are is not enough. In a world of Pinterest perfection, patient perseverance is underappreciated.

We forget that it is through small and simple things that great things are brought to pass. That small means in many instances confounds the wisdom of the so-called experts and lifestyle gurus. (See Alma 37:6)

Little things do count.

Sister Patricia T. Holland tells the story of her great-grandmother, who after having grown up residing in the majestic beauty of the Bern-Interlaken region of Switzerland, joined the Latter-Day Saints. After immigrating to the United States and traveling westward to be with the body of the Church, they were called to settle the tiny community of Enterprise in Southern Utah.

Now while there is a certain kind of beauty to be found in the desert, it is certainly no Switzerland. I would imagine that being called to leave a perfect picture-postcard locale to make one's home in a barren, windblown desert would be quite a trial of faith.

Sister Holland relates:

My great-grandmother decided she would do something about it. With her two hands and a shovel, she harvested some small pine seedlings from the mountains not far away and planted them around the small church building that had just been erected. Then every day she would carry two buckets of water from her home nearly three blocks away, one bucket in each hand, to water those trees and keep them growing. It was arduous work for a little woman bent over with osteoporosis, but she made every drop count in a daily ritual that over time gave each tree a regular, if meager, drink of moisture.

As she made her way through town to water the pines, she would often bring her young granddaughter with her, sharing wisdom and tales of her life growing up in Switzerland. On one such trip, one of the brethren of the community stopped her, wondering after her seemingly futile endeavor.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, husband to Patricia and a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, continues her story:

[The gentleman] said, with something of a dismissive tone, "Oh, Sister Barlocker, why do you make this useless journey each day to water those scrubby little pine trees? They will never survive in this harsh climate and difficult soil, and even if they did, they will never grow to any size in your lifetime. Why don't you just give up and forget your high Swiss hopes in this matter?"

Well, little Sister Barlocker rose to the full 4 feet 8 inches of her stature, looked this good brother in the eye and said, "I know these trees will not grow very large in my lifetime. But if I stay with it, they will live and they will grow. And although I will not enjoy their beauty and their shade, this little girl will. I am doing this for her." 

The little girl alongside this good woman in the story was Sister Holland's mother. And though her grandmother would pass on, she and the entire community of Enterprise would live to see the pine trees grow, and grow, and grow-- until they literally towered over the small town. To this day they stand-- a memorial to a mother and grandmother's love and diligence.
(Holland, Jeffrey R. and Patricia T. "What Time is This?" Brigham Young University Women's Conference. Provo, UT. 4 May, 2007.) 

Just last month our family traveled through Enterprise on our way to Snow Canyon State Park in Southern Utah. We stopped at the old chapel, now a museum for the Daughters of Utah Pioneers and enjoyed our lunch in the shade of those magnificent hundred-year-old pines. As I considered them, I was deeply impressed with just how far-reaching the small actions of our simple lives can be. 

In the trenches of motherhood, there are days and weeks where it may seem that our earnest efforts are feeble and fruitless. The mountains seem too high and the valleys too steep. We labor through exhaustion and discouragement, wondering if we will ever see the end results we yearn for.

Perhaps there are moments when we wonder if we are up to the task.
If we are the right person for such a work and time as this.
If we could ever possibly be "enough."

But you and I are enough and more. For God is with us, and with Him nothing is impossible. (Luke 1:37) He fills in the gaps, brings light to the darkness, and strengthens our aching backs as we struggle to nourish the tiny saplings of our lives.

With Him, it is always "enough."

I loved what Sister Linda S. Reeves had to say in her most recent Conference talk:

I love the prophet Nephi’s declaration of what his people did to fortify the youth of his day: “We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, [and] we prophesy of Christ … that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.”

How can we do this in our homes? Some of you have heard me tell how overwhelmed my husband, Mel, and I felt as the parents of four young children. As we faced the challenges of parenting and keeping up with the demands of life, we were desperate for help. We prayed and pleaded to know what to do. The answer that came was clear: “It is OK if the house is a mess and the children are still in their pajamas and some responsibilities are left undone. The only things that really need to be accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening.”

We were trying to do these things, but they were not always the priority and, amidst the chaos, were sometimes neglected. We changed our focus and tried not to worry about the less-important things. Our focus became to talk, rejoice, preach, and testify of Christ by striving to daily pray and study the scriptures and have weekly family home evening. 

A friend recently cautioned, “When you ask the sisters to read the scriptures and pray more, it stresses them out. They already feel like they have too much to do.

Brothers and sisters, because I know from my own experiences, and those of my husband, I must testify of the blessings of daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening. These are the very practices that help take away stress, give direction to our lives, and add protection to our homes. Then, if... challenges do strike our families, we can petition the Lord for help and expect great guidance from the Spirit, knowing that we have done what our Father has asked us to do.

It's not about the extras. It's about the essentials.
With that as our focus, we will never fail-- messy, chaotic imperfection and all.

And what a beautiful mess it is.

beauteous

It is a beauteous evening, calm and free,
The holy time is quiet as a Nun
Breathless with adoration; the broad sun
Is sinking down in its tranquillity;
The gentleness of heaven broods o'er the Sea:
Listen! the mighty Being is awake,
And doth with his eternal motion make
A sound like thunder--everlastingly.
Dear Child! dear Girl! that walkest with me here,
If thou appear untouched by solemn thought,
Thy nature is not therefore less divine:
Thou liest in Abraham's bosom all the year;
And worship'st at the Temple's inner shrine,
God being with thee when we know it not.

- William Wordsworth, 1802

Sacred Music for Easter

I love Sundays. 

And there is something special about a springtime Sabbath that is especially appealing. 

Perhaps the magic lies in the renewal of the seasons: the sunlight bringing added warmth in its rays; the crocuses and daffodils in bloom; fruit trees budding with promise. It echos the promise each of us have of new life through our Savior.

Since I've been on the topic of Easter music lately, I thought I'd share two additional playlists that I listen to year round-- but with greater frequency this time of year. 

The first is a sacred oratorio written by Rob Gardner, The Lamb of God. If you aren't familiar with his work, you need to have the pleasure of discovering it. Truly, it is a masterpiece. It ranks right up there with The Messiah for me. You can learn more about it here. (Special thanks to Montserrat for reminding me of the site!)

(If you are reading this post on an RSS feed reader, please be aware that there is a widget link to my Spotify playlist on my site which will allow you to listen to the entire playlist for free. If for some reason it is not letting you listen from here, you can also search Spotify for "Lamb of God" and/or "Rob Gardner")

My other favorite Sunday playlist this time of year includes favorite sacred works by the Italian composer Antonio Vivaldi. His Gloria and Nulla in mundo pax sincera are two of my all-time favorite pieces of music-- independent of genre. I also put his Dixit Dominus on the playlist.

(RSS readers: playlist widget below, or search Spotify playlist "Sacred Vivaldi," or the individual pieces.)

While Gloria in its original Latin is stirring all on its own, I loved reading the English translation and getting a greater appreciation for the message in the words. I hope it resounds in your heart as well. (If you are interested, you can google the other works for their translations-- they are just as wonderful!)

Gloria
          (Latin)

Glória in excélsis Deo

et in terra pax homínibus bonae voluntátis.

Laudámus te,

benedícimus te,

adorámus te,

glorificámus te,

grátias ágimus tibi propter magnam glóriam tuam,

Dómine Deus, Rex cæléstis,

Deus Pater omnípotens.

Dómine Fili Unigénite, Iesu Christe,

Dómine Deus, Agnus Dei, Fílius Patris,

qui tollis peccáta mundi, miserére nobis;

qui tollis peccáta mundi, súscipe deprecatiónem nostram.

Qui sedes ad déxteram Patris, miserére nobis.

Quóniam tu solus Sanctus, tu solus Dóminus, tu solus Altíssimus,

Iesu Christe, cum Sancto Spíritu: in glória Dei Patris. Amen.

(English)

Glory to God in the highest,

and on earth peace to people of good will.

We praise you,

we bless you,

we adore you,

we glorify you,

we give you thanks for your great glory,

Lord God, heavenly King,

O God, almighty Father.

Lord Jesus Christ, Only Begotten Son,

Lord God, Lamb of God, Son of the Father,

you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us;

you take away the sins of the world, receive our prayer.

you are seated at the right hand of the Father, have mercy on us.

For you alone are the Holy One, you alone are the Lord, you alone are the Most High,

Jesus Christ, with the Holy Spirit, in the glory of God the Father. Amen.

Best wishes for a peaceful Sabbath evening.