beauteous

It is a beauteous evening, calm and free,
The holy time is quiet as a Nun
Breathless with adoration; the broad sun
Is sinking down in its tranquillity;
The gentleness of heaven broods o'er the Sea:
Listen! the mighty Being is awake,
And doth with his eternal motion make
A sound like thunder--everlastingly.
Dear Child! dear Girl! that walkest with me here,
If thou appear untouched by solemn thought,
Thy nature is not therefore less divine:
Thou liest in Abraham's bosom all the year;
And worship'st at the Temple's inner shrine,
God being with thee when we know it not.

- William Wordsworth, 1802

Thy Will Be Done

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear-- not absence of fear.  Except a creature be part coward, it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word.

- Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson [1894]

• • •

Sometimes, doing what God asks of us is a joy.
It may stretch us, naturally, but we understand that this is so and walk ahead with confidence in His plan.

Other times, well...
It's not always easy.

In the summer of 2009, things were going fantastically well for me.  I really felt that I was starting to come into my own.  I was in great health, achieving many personal goals I had set for myself, balancing the demands of motherhood relatively well, and finally making peace with my deeply ingrained (and completely unproductive) perfectionism. 

Of course, it is in those moments of absolute complacency that the Lord decides to introduce opportunities for growth.

Now at the time, Bryson and I were fully aware that our family was not complete.  We knew that there was at least one more spirit meant to bless our family.  I was just hesitant to subject my body to the rigors of pregnancy again.

I was stalling.
And to be perfectly honest, I felt justified in that mindset.

You see, pregnancy and I are not exactly on good terms with one another.

It is not always the most simple thing for me to conceive, and when I had in the past, each of the nine months spent developing those precious little babies were a physical nightmare for me.  I experienced toxemia (preeclampsia) with both, and my health suffered tremendously.

With Reilly in particular, I was especially ill.  I gained weight at an uncontrollable pace despite a balanced diet.  My blood pressure jumped to a much higher level than is normal for me.  The swelling was absolutely unbearable.  Even after my sweet girl was born I continued to suffer from these maladies.  The blood pressure increased.  The swelling increased horrifically as well, making breastfeeding physically impossible.  I was rendered fairly incapable of caring for myself, much less my family.  

My sister & I just after Reilly's birth the summer of 2006; us again the summer of 2009

I was terrified of going through that again.

I did not want to suffer through nine months (or more) of illness.
I did not want to feel that I wasn't adequately nurturing my two children who were already here.
I did not want to be dependent on the good will of others to take care of the responsibilities I felt were my own.

Seriously.
I did not want to.

It was at this time that Bryson and I had the opportunity to take Taylor and Reilly to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple open house.

There was a tremendous spirit there, and as our little family entered one of the sealing rooms we took a moment to gaze into the beautiful mirrors together-- our reflections echoing endlessly in beautiful symbolism.  As I stood there with my family, the Spirit spoke very clearly and directly to my heart.

It was time.

I felt very strongly that I needed to pull myself together and trust in God's plan. 

However, just an hour or two later I was starting to waver again.  After leaving the sacred halls of the temple, reality set in.  Chatting with Bryson as we began the drive back home, I casually mentioned that I thought we should start trying for another baby at the beginning of the upcoming year-- several months into the future.

Keeping his eyes on the road as he drove, Bryson frowned slightly.

"Really?"  he postured carefully, "I was kind of thinking that now was the right time.  We'll certainly do whatever you think is best, but that's just the impression I felt in the temple."

I groaned inwardly.

"You felt that too?" I asked, a tinge of shame entering my voice.  "Well, if the time is right now, then I guess we'd better take Heavenly Father's advice to heart."

And a few short weeks later we were expecting.
And a few short months after that we learned we were expecting double.

Twins!

My head began to spin.  I actually laughed at my physician when he mentioned the possibility.  A nervous laugh.

But after the confirming ultrasound, I was filled with such peace and joy.  I knew we were following God's will for us and that we would be sustained-- come what may.

Now, I wish I could tell you that the months that followed were full of sunshine and roses, but that isn't the case.

It was an enormous challenge.

Although I managed to avoid the complications of toxemia, I was still ill throughout most of the pregnancy.  But there were many tender mercies also.  Unlike before, where I was so nauseous and fatigued that just getting out of bed was a challenge, I was at my best in the morning-- enabling me to tend to my children and get them to school with little incident.  While the exhaustion I felt was significant, Bryson's work schedule enabled him to be home to help in the evenings when I was most sick.  Those small but substantial blessings reconfirmed to us that the Lord was there and mindful of our needs.  That He was pleased with our willingness to listen to the promptings of the Spirit-- even with my initial hesitancy.

Sometimes it takes courage to step forward in faith when the way is fraught with uncertainty.
I don't presume to put myself up as an example of bravery, but for me it was an enormous turning point in my own personal spiritual growth.

It would have been so easy to say, "Certainly God would not wish for me to put my life and the well-being of my children at risk to go through another complicated pregnancy."  To take those trusting steps into the dark before the way is lit-- it's challenging at best.  But despite our misgivings, we know in Whom we can trust.  And we need not be afraid.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
(2 Tim. 1:7)

And yet, following God's will does not necessarily equate to being led down the proverbial primrose path.

Just because we are doing everything we are asked to does not mean that the way will not be filled with difficulty, discouragement, and despair.  But as we trust in His infinite wisdom and love for each of us individually, we discover a resilience and inner strength that will see us through the storms of life. 

President Thomas S. Monson has said:

Life's journey is not traveled on a freeway devoid of obstacles, pitfalls, and snares.  Rather, it is a pathway marked by forks and turnings.  Decisions are constantly before us.  To make them wisely, courage is needed: the courage to say "No," the courage to say "Yes."  Decisions do determine destiny.

The call for courage comes constantly to each of us.  It has ever been so, and so shall it ever be.
("The Call for Courage," Apr. 2004 Conference Report)

With the determination to move forward in faith, we can take courage in the fact that the Lord will not forsake us.  Even in the midst of adversity He will ever be there.  
And by His endless grace, we shall become more than we were before.

• • •

This post is part of a Wordfull Wednesday link-up hosted by Chocolate on my Cranium! 

Holiness to the Lord

Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God

(D&C 109:8)

The day finally arrived.
The one we have been anticipating and anxiously awaiting for nearly two years.
It did not disappoint.

It was cold, wet, and wonderful.

Bryson's parents also received tickets for the temple groundbreaking from their ward, so we were fortunate to be able to attend together.  As we were sitting in the seats prior to the service a steady rain was falling.  Bryson frequently would consult his phone to check the weather Doppler, hoping for a sign of improvement, but the storm seemed quite intently situated over our little town.  Nothing could be seen but a vast sea of umbrellas.  The ceremony about to start, my mother-in-law leaned over and quietly remarked, "I think it's about time for everyone to start praying!"

Everyone must have heard her.
Certainly, Someone did.

At the appointed hour, just as the ceremony was about to get underway, the rain slowed.  And stopped.  All that was left was a nearly imperceptible light drizzle-- enough that everyone was able to put the rain gear away, and everyone was able to view the proceedings unimpeded.  A tender mercy for the thousands that had gathered to our beloved wheat field.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve presided over the groundbreaking, and brought an amazing Spirit with him.

"I express gratitude to the Lord for answering our prayers to lift the rain; that's a reminder of His goodness," he remarked, "I observe that it's still pretty cold, and I guess that's a reminder that we're still in mortality and having to work through all the problems involved with that!"

Elder Oaks also spoke of the new temple and how it will stand as a lighted beacon, a symbol of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  He continued, "That symbol will be an especially prominent beacon in this location.  Standing just adjacent to I-15, the major north-south artery in Utah, [it] will be a dominant and visible influence on the millions who pass here, by day and by night."

When he spoke those words, I had the strong impression that the Lord wishes that for all of us.  To stand as an example of the believers, to borrow a phrase from the apostle Paul.  If our bodies are temples, then perhaps we should also strive to shine forth, unabashedly representing our Savior.  

Elder William R. Walker of the Seventy conducted the meeting, and in his remarks he spoke of the rich pioneer heritage of our community.  He said, "Many of you here are descendants of the righteous pioneer saints who settled in this area.  Those early pioneers are honored today as their early efforts to strengthen and build up the church have borne fruit unto the fourth and fifth generation."  He also remarked that he was sure that many of those early saints were looking down on the proceedings with joy.

I have such a love for my own pioneer forebearers.  I did not know it when I moved to the area, but some of my ancestors helped settle the land very near to where I now live.  In fact, multiple times a week I drive along the canal that my Grandpa Curtis helped build.  To think of his joy as well as the love and happiness of all the other stalwart saints of the past buoys my own heart.

Sister Janette Hales Beckham, 10th general president of the Young Women's organization also spoke, and her words touched me deeply.  She spoke a lot concerning the family and preparing ourselves to be ready for the new temple.  One phrase she quoted spoke directly to my heart and I recognized it as something I definitely needed to hear.  She said, in reference to teaching our children and coming together as a family, "A table surrounded by eager, hungry children ceases to be a table and becomes an altar."  (I may be paraphrasing just a bit there.)

I loved that image.

Taking care of our children and raising them in the Gospel may not always be a picnic (to use an image from Elder Andersen's recent Conference talk), but it is a holy work.  I needed that reminder after a very difficult week.

The dedicatory prayer offered by Elder Oaks was absolutely beautiful, and as he petitioned for angels to protect the temple grounds I could not help but weep.

I also loved the benediction offered by a sister in our ward, the wife of our Stake Patriarch.  She thanked the Lord for all our field had offered us-- how it had fed and nourished our community with its annual harvest of wheat.  I smiled as I considered how the land would continue to feed and nourish us, just in a different way.

Temples are such a blessing.  I have a very strong testimony of the Spirit that can be only found in the house of the Lord.  I know the Holy Ghost speaks to us there, sometimes with great clarity and insight.  I am so grateful to be able to experience the blessing of raising my children in the (literal) shadow of a temple.

It is extremely motivating.
And humbling.


...Always have the temple in your sights.  Do nothing which will keep you from entering its doors and partaking of the sacred and eternal blessings there...  The world can be a challenging and difficult place in which to live.  We are often surrounded by that which would drag us down.  As you and I go to the holy houses of God, as we remember the covenants we make within, we will be more able to bear every trial and to overcome each temptation.  In this sacred sanctuary, we will find peace; we will be renewed and fortified.

- President Thomas S. Monson

{five things for friday • v}

- one -

So I know this is a few weeks old, but I would be amiss if I didn't mention the amazing General Relief Society Meeting on September 24th.  

I was able to attend in person with my family.

My mom and I - isn't she beautiful?  :)

What a fantastic experience.

A lot has been said about President Uchtdorf's talk-- all of it deserved!  

When he spoke about how the Lord would not forget any of us the Spirit was especially strong in the Conference Center.  A tangible presence. 

I think it's important, however, to "forget not" the other three remarkable addresses given that evening.

I especially loved Sister Beck's remarks about Visiting Teaching and ministering more like the Savior.

Such beautiful teachings.

(And I thought the picture of Sister Thompson's grandmother was absolutely adorable!!!)

- two -

It snowed here yesterday.

I have mixed emotions about this.

I love Autumn and the changing seasons... but snow?

It seems all a bit too sudden.

And it will put a wrinkle in my plans to go for an Autumnal drive in the mountains-- all the colorful trees are now covered in a blanket of white.

But on the positive side, I got to break out my new cloche.

I love it.

It makes me feel sort of glamorous, like Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face.  

I'm not really a glamorous person, but it's fun to pretend anyway.

- three -

If you're in the Salt Lake City area, you ought to go visit the exhibit at the Church History Library that celebrates the history of Relief Society.

There are some amazing items on display, and I thoroughly enjoyed being able to spend some time taking it all in.

My favorite exhibition piece was the original 1842 minute book from Nauvoo.  To see the actual writing documenting our extraordinary beginnings.

I took a picture of it with my phone.

This is the line in the minute book with the famous quote from Emma Smith:

"Pres. Emma Smith remarked -- we are going to do something extraordinary..."

- four -

The temple groundbreaking ceremony is tomorrow.

I am so excited.

So.  Very.  Excited.

- five -

I'm off to a slow start, thanks to a completely chaotic week, but this month I'll be participating in a Book of Mormon forum hosted by Jocelyn at We Talk of Christ, We Rejoice in Christ.

I'll be one of several dozen writers sharing our thoughts and testimonies about this remarkable book of scripture.
It promises to be an inspirational, informational few weeks, and I hope you'll join us!

• • •

And those are my five things for Friday!