Bittersweet Birthday

"I am so grateful for the assurance I have that if we are faithful, the same sociality which we enjoy here in this life will be forever with us in the world to come, in eternal glory."

President Henry B. Eyring, “The True and Living Church,” Ensign, May 2008, 20–24 (see also D&C 130:2)


Warm thoughts & birthday wishes are with Ryan this weekend-- today is his birthday, and tomorrow is Jen's.

We miss you, Jen!
Somehow, going to see the lights at Temple Square this time of year will never quite be the same. There are so many things I wish I could share with you-- so much to catch up on. I wish I could ask you how it was to be an auntie to triplets, now that we have our own set of multiples on the way. I miss the late-night laughter, the heart-to-heart conversations. I hope you know how much your friendship meant to me and the girls. Thanks be to God that there is so much more beyond this life.

"With ultimate hope, however, we can live cheerfully amid proximate insecurity. Life is a test in which man must overcome by faith, walking on the strait and narrow path—which is surely no escalator—but the path is there! And death is not the permanent annihilation of the human personality and individuality! [It] is a mere comma, not an exclamation point!"Elder Neal A. Maxwell, “‘Shine As Lights in the World’,” Ensign, May 1983, 9

This Christmastime, I am most grateful for our Lord & Savior who marked the path and showed us the way to an eternity filled with joy, love, and family. This life is not the end. What greater gift could be given?

Happy Birthday, Ryan & Jen.
xoxo

Physical Healing, Spiritual Healing

I really didn't think I was going to have it in me to write anything today.
You see, I walked out of Relief Society this morning.

No, it wasn't the teacher (a good friend & my visiting teaching companion, no less), the tone, the sisters in the class, or the Spirit. It wasn't even the topic. Well, okay, maybe it was sort of the topic.

Today we discussed gifts of the Spirit, and a good portion of the hour was spent on the gift of healing. Wonderful stories were shared of marvelous acts of physical healing from illness and injury. Testimony was shared of how true faith works miracles. A child healed from head trauma after a serious fall. A son's rheumatoid arthritis completely eradicated. A young woman cured from terminal cancer that went on to raise three beautiful children.

Yeah, that's the one that finally got me.

I was so grateful that running late from singing time in the nursery had kept me seated in the back row today. Even when the subject changed to different spiritual gifts, I was still trapped in an emotional maelstrom. It burst to the surface, and I simply had to leave before I was a blubbering mess put on public display. I grabbed my car keys and barely made it outside before the audible sobs took over. Sitting in the front seat of the car, I allowed myself to let it all spill out.

And the thought came:
If faith is all it takes, then where was our miracle?

Over the past six months we have watched dear friends bury their tiny infant daughter, grieved over the loss of a good neighbor, deeply mourned the illness and untimely death of one of our best friends, and just last week were saddened to learn of the passing of Bryson's aunt after her cancer returned despite a lengthy remission. And even this only seems to scratch the surface. As I continued my little pity party (thank goodness for tinted windows!) I thought of those near and dear to me who continue to suffer from chronic illness, debilitating injury & pain, mental & emotional trauma from past abuse... We continue to wait for the miracle of healing.

Or do we?

After a nice long (and most-needed) hot bath, a little bit of mental clarity returned. And I thought, we may not have had many outward physical manifestations of the gift of healing, but certainly we have experienced that gift on a spiritual and emotional level.

Healing comes in many forms-- certainly the most noticeable being the physical healing of the mortal body. But I think we often overlook how powerful spiritual healing can be. God may not see fit to take away our physical trials in this life. And although we may carry the burden of illness or bodily injury, we can still find healing in other ways. Of one thing I am completely certain: while our pain and adversity may not be lifted from us, God will never leave us comfortless. Our spirits can be made whole, even when our mortal frames are not.

There are things in this life, experiences we endure, that seemingly make absolutely no sense. We are left utterly devastated, and wonder where on earth the justice is to be found in such a situation. Certainly, even when we understand and truly believe that everything is in God's hands, we do not always understand the necessity for such heartache and loss. Isaiah really hit the nail on the head when he spoke Messianically, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD." (see Isaiah 55:8)

But, if we will let Him, God will see us through the end of our trials. There is serenity to be found, and even joy. We just can never allow ourselves to lose hope, or sight of the goodness and blessings to be found in His eternal plan. Or perhaps, if we do lose that hope for a time, we can always return and surrender our hearts to His endless peace. His arms are always open. In my reading of Isaiah today, I found the following verse-- just a few lines down from the one quoted above-- incredibly heartening.

For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. (see Isaiah 55:12)

Life can be hard. We can experience heartache and heartbreak beyond imagination. Even when we are praying, fasting, and attending the temple with the most fervent and deepened faith, sometimes the anticipated miracles just do not come. Sometimes it is just not His will. Faith may facilitate miracles, but ultimately they flow from our Father in Heaven. And though things may not work out just the way we would like, there are always smaller miracles at work in our lives.

Even in times of darkness, there is so much to be grateful for. I am overwhelmed by how truly blessed we are. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel surrounded by such boundless beauty and love.

I am thankful for President Monson's words, "Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments. There will be nothing in this world that can defeat us. My beloved brothers and sisters, fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith." (Thomas S. Monson, "Be of Good Cheer", Apr. 2009)

That sounds pretty good to me.
My heart finds solace in my Savior. And He leads me forth with peace.

for jen

they say
that night is always darkest before the dawn.

i'm certain this is true.

for your morning has come-- resplendent in its glory.

and although we must remain
in darkness
a while longer

we cannot help
but smile

for the dawn
that has broken

while you were breaking free.

There is another angel in heaven...

Jen passed from this life peacefully around 6 am on Monday, May 4th.


I have no words, so I'll borrow these from a far wiser source:

Life is eternal. We are eternal beings. We lived as intelligent spirits before this mortal life. We are now living part of eternity. Our mortal birth was not the beginning. Death, which faces all of us, is not the end.

As eternal beings, we each have in us a spark of divinity...

As we travel through this topsy-turvy, sinful world filled with temptations and problems, we are humbled by the expectancy of death, the uncertainty of life, and the power and love of God. Sadness comes to all of us in the loss of loved ones. But there is gratitude also—gratitude for the assurance we have that life is eternal; gratitude for the great gospel plan given freely to all of us; gratitude for the life, teachings, and sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Thank God for the life and ministry of the Master, Jesus the Christ, who broke the bonds of death, who is the light and life of the world, who set the pattern, who established the guidelines for all of us, and who proclaimed: “I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.” (John 11:25–26.)

Yes, life is eternal. We live on and on after earth life, even though we ofttimes lose sight of that great basic truth.

This is but a place of temporary duration. We are here to learn the first lesson toward exaltation—obedience to the Lord’s gospel plan.

There is the ever-present expectancy of death, but in reality there is no death—no permanent parting. The resurrection is a reality. The scriptures are replete with evidence. Almost immediately after the glorious resurrection of the Lord, Matthew records: “And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.” (Matt. 27:52–53.)

The spirit world is not far away. Sometimes the veil between this life and the life beyond becomes very thin. Our loved ones who have passed on are not far from us.

May God hasten the day when people everywhere will accept His teaching, His example, and His divinity—yes, when they will accept as a reality His glorious resurrection, which broke the bonds of death for all of us.

- President Ezra Taft Benson
"Life is Eternal", Aug. '91 Ensign

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink...

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind

Lennon/McCartney, The White Album
♥

counting the breaths

one

and forty-five seconds
until we arrive at

two

she inhales

he exhales
relief
for the moment... not yet gone.

in this sleepless night
there is so much
left unsaid

and yet
all we can do
is continue

to count
and
breathe.

I Hate Cancer

Please, God...
Ease her pain.

exhausted options have left us only
under the strong, encroaching grip of darkness.

We reach blindly and grasp tight
Hold on
Cling together

but we cannot coax the moments to remain.

Everything.
Slipping.
Away.

Hours, minutes, even seconds
(formerly insignificant measures)
are tenderly pressed to our soul...

and we are left
trying to fill a hole in our hearts
where hope once lived.


********************

Some of you may recall my friend Jen and her ongoing battle with brain cancer. Tragically, her mental and physical health is quickly declining, and she is very likely approaching the end of her mortal journey.

In her husband Ryan's words:
"...after some very hard decisions, we as a family have concluded that it is best to no longer continue the chemo treatments. We have reached the difficult position that has forced us to realize that our options have been exhausted. The Doctor felt that continuing a different type of therapy could possibly slow the progress of the tumor, but suggested that it would be highly unlikely to reverse the lack of quality in Jen's lifestyle. He said that in his experience we would likely be only punishing Jen, and felt that we were to the point where we would at least be justified in feeling that everything that could have been done for her has been tried."

We know that this is not the end for Jen & Ryan.
We know that life goes on.
We know that Noah will be with his mommy again.
We know that the family is eternal.

But still...
The heart breaks.

To send words of comfort to Ryan & Jen, visit their blog.

Prayers for Jen

"Friendship that flows from the heart cannot be frozen by adversity, as the water that flows from the spring cannot congeal in winter."
- James Fenimore Cooper

Nothing makes you pause like the adversity of a close friend.

After spending three challenging years studying at Brigham Young University, I made the difficult decision to change majors-- and was accepted into a program offered at Utah State University. It was there that I met Jen.

Jen was my very first roommate at Utah State, and we became close friends almost instantly. It was she and another close friend and roommate that introduced me to my beloved Bryson. (That's the 3 of us pictured above-- Jen, Kelly, & I.) During those college years she was there for me through heartache and happiness, and we shared many cherished memories together. We got married within a year of each other. We bought homes, were both expecting little boys-- all around the same time. We share many of the same likes and dislikes. In some ways, it seemed like we lived parallel lives.

Over the years our friendship has remained, although the demands and experiences of life haven't allowed us to visit as often as we would like.

It was three years ago that we first heard the news.
It hit like a sucker punch to the gut.

Brain Cancer.

It didn't seem possible.
How? Why?

But cancer doesn't particularly care about the hows and whys of life. So Jen did what she does best. She fought. And three years later, she is still fighting.

It had been awhile since I had last talked to Jen. Last I had heard, she was upbeat and optimistic about her health. Then this past Saturday, Jen's birthday, I heard the latest blow.

It's not looking good.

Recently Jen was rushed to the ER with an agonizing headache. The neurosurgeon concluded that the pain was being caused by a build-up of pressure, which the tumor in the middle ventricle of her brain was causing. In his opinion, the best course of action would be to let nature take its course-- in essence, giving her a death sentence.

But did I mention that Jen's a fighter?

After some persuasion, the surgeon agreed to (yet another) surgery in order to relieve some of the pressure she has been experiencing. Jen has started a new round of chemo, and she continues doing battle daily against this awful disease.

As I said before, nothing makes you pause like the adversity of a close friend. I cannot fathom the kind of strength and perseverance it must take to continue fighting as Jen does. She continues to inspire her friends, family, and countless others. If her story touches you as well, would you please say a prayer for her or send kind words her way?

You can follow her story here.

My heart aches for my friend, her devoted husband, and their adorable little boy.
Fight, Baby, Fight!!!!!!!!!