The Night Before Christmas

Children carry through the streets
A brilliant painted star.
Angels gather round the hearth
Strumming on guitars.
Men of great renown & faith
Say prayers on boulevards.
It's the night before Christmas.

But you don't have to be an angel
To sing harmony.
You don't have to be a child
To love the mystery.
And you don't have to be a wise man
On bended knee.
The heart of this Christmas is in you and me.

- Carly Simon

Christmas Miracles, Christmas Tears

Christmas is a time for miracles.


And there are few miracles as real & tangible as the birth of a child. My children are my own personal miracles, and I treasure them (along with my marriage to Bryson) more than anything on Earth. This past month I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the miracles that children bring into our lives.

I have some dear friends that have been through an emotional roller coaster as they anticipated the birth of their 5th child, a little boy. At the 20th week of pregnancy, the doctors noticed some abnormalities. There was an incredible excess of amniotic fluid. A subsequent ultrasound discovered a major heart defect that can be indicative of Down's syndrome, a mesoblastic nephroma (benign tumor) around the right kidney, and -- as if that weren't enough -- some fluid around the base of the spine, a common sign of spina bifida.

Needless to say, there were a lot of prayers said on their behalf.

As the birth approached, the family prepared for a long hospital stay, and possibly the immediate surgery of their little newborn. And just a couple short weeks ago, little Levi was born. A little miracle in every sense of the word. There was no Down's syndrome. MRI's done shortly after birth showed no signs of the kidney tumor or spinal problem-- positively baffling the doctors. There is still a heart defect, but it is something that can be addressed as the baby gets older. Only a few short days after his birth, he is home with his loving parents and four older siblings. Again, a miracle.


This announcement was still elating my heart when I heard some more tragic, heartbreaking news.

Just a few days ago some other close friends of ours lost one of their precious twin baby girls -- little Mhairi -- to SIDS. It was so sudden, so shocking. And there were so many questions racing through my mind.

Why?
Why should one child be blessed while another is taken?

At the funeral yesterday, I was a complete mess during the service. The tears came down my face in an endless stream as I wept for my friends' loss. And I marveled at their strength. They spoke of faith and God's will as they cradled their surviving daughter, only 3 months old. They believe that Mhairi was taken because she was too perfect for this world, and that she will watch over them as a Guardian Angel. And I believe them, too.

Families are forever. That is what we believe, as Latter-Day Saints. We teach that the bonds of familial love go beyond the grave and that we will live together eternally with our Father in Heaven if we strive to live worthily. It is wonderful, comforting doctrine. And right now I find it even more so. It speaks to my soul.

While the storm may rage around us as we make our way through this life, we have hope. We have love. We have peace.
We have each other.

And so this Christmas, I find myself holding my own little miracles a little tighter. I am so grateful for the light they bring to my life. And while I pray for continued blessings on behalf of both Levi & Mhairi's families, I also pray that I can always remember to cherish my family as the singular treasure in my life.

Today in the car-- as reality was over-taking us-- I started singing in an effort to put the fighting, screaming, crying... you know, the usual-- to an end. I paused, and Reilly asked if we could sing "Families." This is her title for a song we often sing in the children's Sunday School. Her little voice rang out:

I always want to be with my own family
And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can.
As she finished, I luxuriated in the peaceful warmth that followed.
Bryson remarked, "I am so glad we believe what we believe."
I couldn't agree more.

Born in a Manger

I have the precious opportunity to spend my Sundays with a very special group of people. You see, I am the Nursery Coordinator for my church congregation-- which means for two hours every Sunday I get to sing, play, and learn from the children in the 18-36 month old Sunday School classes.

Today it was Abby's turn to teach me.

Over the past few weeks, I have been teaching the children a new song for the holidays-- "Christmas Bells are Ringing." The lyrics are pretty simple, and easily learned.

Christmas bells are ringing!
Hear what they say to you:
Jesus is born in Bethlehem;
In Bethlehem.

In helping the children review the words, I asked, "Where was Jesus born?"

Little Abby responded.

"In a manger!"
"Yes, that's right! But do you remember the name of the town? It's a pretty long word..."

(furrowed brow of concentration)

"Is it Bethlehem?" I prompted.
"Yes! Bethlehem!""Very good, Abby!" I exclaimed.

But she wasn't quite finished.

"Yes, at Bethlehem. And there was no room for Him. No room. For Joseph and Mary. But they could go to the manger. And Jesus was born in a manger. And that's Christmas! It's Jesus' birthday! The baby Jesus was born in the manger. And I love Christmas," she finished fervently.
"I love Christmas too-- it's a very special time of year, " I agreed. "Shall we sing our new Christmas song all together?"

The children nodded. With jingle bells in hand, we began to sing. And no one sang louder than Abby.

There is nothing like the faith of a child. ♥

Dinger Bells

Taylor: (singing) Dinger Bells, Dinger Bells... Dinger all the waaaay....

Me: Taylor, it's actually Jingle Bells-- not Dinger.

Taylor: That's what I said-- Dinger.

Me: No... not Dinger, Jingle. With a "J." Jah... jah... jingle.

Taylor: Mom, it's not Jingle. Bells "ding," not "jing!"


Can't argue with that logic.

O Christmas Tree

The tree is up.

The ornaments are hung.

(Except when they're not...)

The lights are lit.

Everything is quiet.

How lovely are thy branches.

A Holly Jolly Road Rage

Due to the white-out conditions on the roads this morning, Bryson decided to stay put in the office today instead of driving up the canyon. Which, of course, made me happy for two reasons-- One: I didn't have to spend the entire day having visions of his untimely demise by driving in said ridiculous conditions, and Two: The kids and I were able to share his lunch hour with him-- something we enjoy but rarely have opportunity to do.

We were able to meet at a nice little cafe where Bryson & I enjoyed some yummy panini while the kids noshed on a cheese quesadilla. Afterward, I decided to dash into a nearby store and pick up some baking pans that I had noticed were on sale. Bryson followed me over and sat with Taylor & Reilly so I didn't have to do the kid-wrestling-tango that always ensues. I was in and out, with nary a holiday shopping headache! The cashiers were friendly, the patrons were patient, the Salvation Army bell ringer cheery & gracious. Ahhhh, I thought. So nice to have a positive experience this time of year. After loading the wares into the car and kissing Bryson goodbye we parted ways. He drove off in his truck, the kiddos & I in the SUV. The skies cleared, the sun came out. Life was good.

Then as I turned out of the parking lot on to a minor side road the warm fuzzies began to dissipate. I suddenly heard a car horn being laid on thick. Confused, I turned-- wondering what on earth was going on. A second later I saw her. A middle-aged woman driving a white pick up truck, clearly screaming her head off and using all sorts of hand gestures to get her anger across. Hmmm. Apparently, I was the problem.

Now, I am not someone you would label as an aggressive driver. Being raised near a big city, I know how to handle myself on the roads, but I am far from reckless. When I turned out of the parking lot today, this lady was not near me. Which leads me to one of two conclusions. One: That she was driving way too fast for this little road and I failed to notice, or Two: That she just was having a bad day and thought for some reason I slighted her somehow by turning in front of her. Either way-- even if I was in the wrong-- there was absolutely no intention on my part in offending her. And her reaction was clearly over-the-top. Even if I did slow her down for the briefest of moments, she more than quadrupled that time when she decided to slow down and give me a piece of her mind-- even stopping at a green light while I waited to turn left so she could drive the point home!

"Geez Louise," I thought. "What kind of person allows themselves to hang on to so much anger?"

I thought about that the whole way home. It's a good question. Life is so short. Who has time to send that kind of negative energy out into the world?

I really kinda felt bad for this lady.
I mean, c'mon, it's Christmas!
Perhaps she didn't get the memo about peace on earth & goodwill toward men.

As I continued homeward, I decided I needed to let the negativity go. She may have made the decision to send that anger my way, but it didn't mean I had to hold on to it.
"May you be well," I said under my breath as my exit approached.

And I hope she is.

Because, really, no one should harbor such ill feelings this or any time of year. We're all just driving to our own destinations in life... Where is the sense in sowing seeds of hate? It's just not worth it.

Morning Meditation

Honestly.

Could anything make you
feel more alive
than waking up to
this?

Heaven & nature sing, indeed.

{2}

the bones of winter
exhale life
in its sharpness

i hear
echoes
of past abundance

whispers
of peace
and plainness

promises
of rebirth

and i revel
in the satisfaction
that each new moment
lived
is impossibly more beautiful
than each moment
past.

{1}

The winter air
lights on skin
like crystal fingers
searching,
inquiring,
penetrating...

Heads bowed ignorantly
against the cold
we hasten
to the interior warmth

Oblivious

Of the heaven
displayed above
in ribbons of clarity
and stark opulence.

Christmas Tag

I haven't yet succumbed to the pressure of playing Blog Tag (Kristal, I'm still trying to come up with 7 quirky things... Soon!), but my friend Amy intrigued me with her current Christmasy one. So here goes...................

1. Wrapping Paper or Gift Bags?
Well, I have to admit I'm a sucker for the well-wrapped gift with ribbons and bows... although the eco-conscious part of me is starting to lean toward the reusable gift bag.

2. Real Tree or Artificial?
We stick with the artificial these days.

3. When do you put up your tree?
Some time between the day after Thanksgiving & the first of December.

4. Do you like eggnog?
Nope, can't say I'm a fan. Too sweet. Bryson could drink it by the barrel-load, though.


5. Favorite gift received as a child?
1985. Cabbage Patch Kid. 'Nuff said.

6. Hardest person to buy for?
The in-laws. Love them, but boy do I have to rack my brain over that one!

7. Easiest person to buy for?
My immediate family-- Bryson & the kids. I'm trying to scale back-- it's so easy to go overboard!


8. Do you have a nativity scene?
Yes, I glazed it myself back in my high school days.

9. Mail or Email Christmas cards?
Mail, for sure. Email should be a last resort when it comes to Christmas cards, IMHO.


10. Worst Christmas gift recieved?
I don't like this question! And I can't think of one.... So, next!

11. Favorite Christmas movie?
It's a Wonderful Life-- with A Christmas Story & Mr. Krueger's Christmas right behind!


12. When do you start shopping?
It's an on-going process... I'm always on the look out for something special, then I just save it for birthdays or Christmas.

13. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Nope.


14. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Bûche de Noël. It's a fancy French dessert I make every year.


15. Lights on the tree?
Yes, little white ones.

16. Favorite Christmas Song?
Bring a Torch, Jeanette, Isabella

17. Travel on Christmas or stay at home?
I prefer to stay at home.

18. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Of course!

19. Angel or Star on top of the tree?
We have a star. Angels are nice too, though.

20. Open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?
Christmas morning. Opening presents Christmas Eve is a pet peeve of mine.

21. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
The holiday shoppers who seem to forget the "peace on Earth, goodwill toward men" part of the season. I worked retail during college this time of year... you see the worst of people. I tend to avoid stores of all shapes and sizes until January.

22. Favorite Ornament Theme or Color?
I have been collecting ornaments since I was born-- it's a family tradition. So my tree is laden with all sorts of heirloom ornaments from different periods of my life. I love it.
23. Favorite Christmas Dinner?
Tradition is ham, although we had a lovely roast duck last year.
24. What do you want for Christmas this year?
Honestly? I really can't think of anything. Just more time spent with my family.

If you find this Christmas Questionnaire intriguing... consider yourself tagged!

Prayers for Jen

"Friendship that flows from the heart cannot be frozen by adversity, as the water that flows from the spring cannot congeal in winter."
- James Fenimore Cooper

Nothing makes you pause like the adversity of a close friend.

After spending three challenging years studying at Brigham Young University, I made the difficult decision to change majors-- and was accepted into a program offered at Utah State University. It was there that I met Jen.

Jen was my very first roommate at Utah State, and we became close friends almost instantly. It was she and another close friend and roommate that introduced me to my beloved Bryson. (That's the 3 of us pictured above-- Jen, Kelly, & I.) During those college years she was there for me through heartache and happiness, and we shared many cherished memories together. We got married within a year of each other. We bought homes, were both expecting little boys-- all around the same time. We share many of the same likes and dislikes. In some ways, it seemed like we lived parallel lives.

Over the years our friendship has remained, although the demands and experiences of life haven't allowed us to visit as often as we would like.

It was three years ago that we first heard the news.
It hit like a sucker punch to the gut.

Brain Cancer.

It didn't seem possible.
How? Why?

But cancer doesn't particularly care about the hows and whys of life. So Jen did what she does best. She fought. And three years later, she is still fighting.

It had been awhile since I had last talked to Jen. Last I had heard, she was upbeat and optimistic about her health. Then this past Saturday, Jen's birthday, I heard the latest blow.

It's not looking good.

Recently Jen was rushed to the ER with an agonizing headache. The neurosurgeon concluded that the pain was being caused by a build-up of pressure, which the tumor in the middle ventricle of her brain was causing. In his opinion, the best course of action would be to let nature take its course-- in essence, giving her a death sentence.

But did I mention that Jen's a fighter?

After some persuasion, the surgeon agreed to (yet another) surgery in order to relieve some of the pressure she has been experiencing. Jen has started a new round of chemo, and she continues doing battle daily against this awful disease.

As I said before, nothing makes you pause like the adversity of a close friend. I cannot fathom the kind of strength and perseverance it must take to continue fighting as Jen does. She continues to inspire her friends, family, and countless others. If her story touches you as well, would you please say a prayer for her or send kind words her way?

You can follow her story here.

My heart aches for my friend, her devoted husband, and their adorable little boy.
Fight, Baby, Fight!!!!!!!!!

A Birthday Present for Jesus

The holiday season has been magical for us this year, predominately because Taylor is grasping the concept and meaning of Christmas for the first time .

We have explained to him that Christmas is the time of year that we celebrate the Savior's birthday. In an effort to quell the I-want I-want I-want of the season, we've also been trying to stress the importance of giving rather than receiving. As a mom, I have found myself curious as to what was sinking in and being understood.

Of course, Taylor didn't make me wait too long to find out.

The other night, I was tucking my little man into bed after reading a Christmas story. We had said prayers, sang a song, had kisses & hugs-- when suddenly Taylor looked very concerned.

"Mom?"
"Yes, honey?"
"I just don't know what to get Jesus for His birthday!"

I paused for a moment, wanting to make sure I answered his earnest question seriously and truthfully. In the quiet, I found the words from one of my favorite Christmas carols come to mind:

What can I give Him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb.
If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part.
Yet what can I give Him? Give my heart.
("In the Bleak Midwinter" music by Gustav Holst, lyrics by Christina G. Rossetti)

I looked at Taylor.

"I think the best present to give Jesus would be to show kindness and be a good friend to everyone. Do you think Jesus would be happy if you were nice to your friends?"
"Yes, Mom. I think that's a good idea."

And so this year the focus has shifted.
Out with the "bigger & better," in with the "meaningful & heart-felt."

Because what could be better than giving one's heart?

Things I Did Today Instead of Going for a Run

1. Played soccer with Reilly (& Sheep).
"I did it, Mom!!!"
"Yay, Reilly, you did it!"
"No... Sheep did it!"
"Oh. Good job, Sheep!"
"Thanks, Mom!"

2. Made some killer homemade hot chocolate for Bryson & I after he surprised me by coming home early.
Best Surprise All Month.

3. Snuggled with Taylor on the couch.
"Mom? I just love you."

4. Ate Rocky Road ice cream & tasted freshly pressed apple cider at the Big Red Barn.

5. Made pizza & watched Beauty & the Beast with the kids for the first time...
and got a huge chuckle out of watching Taylor's excitement when Lumiere & company take back the castle from invaders...

6. Rescued Sheep from a spontaneous bath in the potty. (Auuuuggggggh!!!!!!)

7. Read bedtime stories and received an avalanche of kisses and hugs in return.

8. Had some much-needed cuddle time with the Most Wonderful Man on Earth.


Was it worth it?
Every minute.

It Just Depends on the Day...

Last Week:
Me: Reilly, you're Mommy's little princess!
Reilly: I'm not Mommy's little princess! I'm a big girl!

This Week:

Me: Reilly, you're such a big girl!
Reilly: I'm not a big girl! I'm Mommy's little princess!


We'll take her either way.

Come What May, and Love It

I was saddened to learn that one of the leaders of my faith, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, passed away last night. Both Bryson & I always looked forward to hearing him speak-- he always had a way of conveying so much love in his words.

And as life would have it, his words came back to help me through this day in particular.

It seemed as though today was doomed from the beginning. As I sat at my desk this morning, working out my to-do list with Taylor sitting on my lap, I suddenly heard an ominous "uh-oh."

As I realized just what was causing the warm-- yet moist-- sensation I was experiencing, Elder Wirthlin's words from his last address echoed in my mind, "Come what may, and love it."

In his words:

...Every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don’t sing and bells don’t ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result.

If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.

There is an antidote for times such as these: learn to laugh. ...The next time you’re tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead. It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable.

As we look for humor, seek for the eternal perspective... and draw near to our Heavenly Father, we can endure hardship and trial. We can say... “Come what may, and love it.”

Now, I am fully aware that my trivial aggravations and frustrations are pathetically minute when compared to what so many are experiencing during these hard times. Still, his words were no less profound to me today.

For example:

Little boy peeing on my lap?
Come what may, and love it!
Going to the grocery store in an effort to clear my head... only to have little children disregard my requests and run off while I try to reign them back in?
Come what may, and love it!

Little girl knocking over a five-foot tall display of batteries at the aforementioned store?
Come what may, and love it!

Picking up the small mountain of batteries with nary an on-looker's assistance?
Come what may, and love it!

Trying to leave the store with some small shred of dignity intact when my little boy stops in the middle of the parking lot and refuses to budge an inch?
Come what may, and love it!

Little girl screaming at the top of her lungs as her mom struggles to carry her, push a shopping cart single-handedly, and vocally persuade (ever so gently, of course) her brother to get a move on?
Come what may, and love it!
Yep, my ship may have sailed in the dignity department today, but as I loaded the kids into the car-- and took a much needed pause alone outside-- I couldn't help but laugh. How absurd was this? Yes, I felt like wringing out my hair, but honestly--wasn't this funny?

Looking at things from this perspective made me realize how a change in attitude can affect our whole day. By choosing to laugh about it, I was happier, and the situation gradually began to resolve itself.

"Mom?" Taylor asked.
"Yes?" A wary reply.
"I'm really sorry I had an accident today. And I'm sorry Reilly broke the store," he explained. "I'm going to try harder. I just love you so much."

Ah, yes.

Come what may, and love it.
Thank you, Elder Wirthlin.

For another enthralling tale full of misadventures & Wirthlin inspiration, check out this post on a good friend's blog.

Overnight Accidents

Although Taylor has been potty trained for quite some time now, he still has difficulty overnight-- as many three-year-olds do.
This morning he found me, decidedly upset...

Taylor: Mom, I think I need to change my pants.

Me: Oh, Taylor-- did you have an accident?

Taylor: Yes, I had an accident in my Pull-up.

Me: Oh honey, that's too bad. Should we go change you?

Taylor: Okay! ...Ummm, Mom?

Me: Yes?

Taylor: Are you going to give me a spanking?

Me: Oh, Taylor, of course not!

Taylor: (laughing) Oh good. Because spankings are not good for little boys.

Too true, Taylor... too true.