{five things xxii}

One of these days I'll actually be organized enough to post my Five Things on Friday... but it is not this day!  I'm still here, rattling around, it's simply been a challenge to find time to put my thoughts together on the blog.

Apparently, taking care of five kids aged seven and under can be a little time consuming. Who knew? :)

Little by little, though, things are starting to find a natural rhythm-- and I'm sure I'll be back to regular posts shortly. I certainly hope so, anyway.

- one -

This is my favorite time of year, hands down. There is just something magical about the transitional seasons of spring and autumn that speak to my soul, but truly it is this time of year most of all that has the greatest claim on my heart.

Right now you can usually find me in the kitchen cooking something savory, listening to Ray LaMontagne, The Civil Wars, or The Decemberists. I'm a huge indie folk person year round, but during October it's what I listen to almost 24/7. I'm pretty sure that Ray LaMontagne's music is autumn incarnate. Is that just me? Something about the bluesy, rustic nature of it. At any rate, it makes me happy, reflective, and pensive. A good combination this time of year. My all-time favorite song of his starts 5 minutes into the following video.

- two -

In all honesty, this month has been a very difficult one for me and my family.
Reilly has had some more health set backs (visit here for a recap of her condition), and while she is doing much better now it has made for a very stressful few weeks while the doctors decided how best to approach this new curve ball. Basically, the bacteria causing her infections has grown resistant to the daily low-dose antibiotic she is on. So after a couple of weeks of being very ill, she is back to her old self after a change in medication.

Some days I'm not so sure if surgery wouldn't be the better option when she has these issues flare up. But then I remember the good statistical odds that she will grow out of it, and I try to stay positive. It's just so difficult to see your baby girl in such misery and pain.

Adding to this, the twins both came down with rotavirus (a truly awful stomach flu), which they promptly shared with Bryson and I-- just after I had recovered from a bad case of strep throat!

Needless to say, I am so very happy to have everyone healthy under our roof once again.

- three -

Despite the crazy health issues we were dealt the last few weeks, I was able to take some family pictures over the course of a few days. During this we discovered just how difficult it is to get five little kids to all look at the camera at the same time. I have many, many wonderful pictures of all seven of us... except that just one person is unhappy, or dancing like a crazy person, or pulling a silly face... you get the idea. I suppose it didn't help that it was just us and a camera-- normally I rope Bryson's brother's family into coming with us so that there is someone to stand behind the camera for our family portrait (and then I return the favor by taking their family pictures). But aside from that, I was very happy with how they turned out. I love taking pictures of my family. I get those genes from my Grandpa Ensign. Here is a sampling of a few of the pictures-- if you are facebook friends with me (on my personal page) you can take a gander at the whole lot of them if you are so inclined.

- four -

Construction on the temple continues to move forward.
It has been so fun to watch the work progress. The original of this photo was taken by a friend in our stake, and even though it's only a week old, it's pretty out of date already. In the last few days they have added much of the third story.

We all love being so close to the site, especially the twins. Every morning when we go outside they greet "their friends"-- the two cranes on the construction site. And if you ask Logan what they are building he will tell you, "The two cwanes are billwding the tempullh"

It never gets old.

- five -

And speaking of photography & the temple...

I have become mildly obsessed with Instagram. 
If you are too, you'll have to look me up! My handle is wavingensign. I'd love to connect with you there.
#photographylove

• • •

And those are my five things for (ahem) Saturday!
Best wishes for a festive autumnal weekend.
♥

A Letter From My Nineteen-Year-Old Self

Dear Tiffany,

I couldn't help but notice that you've been thinking a lot about me lately. In light of the new announcement regarding the missionary age of young women being lowered to nineteen from twenty-one, you've had a lot to reflect upon.

You wonder what your life would have been like if you had been given the opportunity to spend a year and a half in the service of the Lord at this pivotal time in your life. You wonder at how different things might have been.

I am keenly aware that I've been struggling lately. Even though I may deny it to those around me, I know that I have just begun to slip into the black abyss of depression that you know full well will claim many precious years of your young adulthood. You know all the horrors that will follow. You remember with painful clarity all the missteps and mistakes made during that dark time. The self loathing. The physical pain and exhaustion. The relationship that began and ended during those years that crushed your heart and your spirit into a thousand shards of broken glass. It's only natural to consider how different your path might have been... if only.

You wonder if leaving your worldly cares behind and serving a higher purpose would have allowed you to avoid the pitfalls that are directly in my path.

Well, I have an answer for you:

Perhaps.
But perhaps not.

You look back with a protective eye, wanting to shield me from the pain that you know awaits me. You can't help but imagine that this experience may have led you down a completely different road. One full of self-confidence, spiritual fulfillment, and joy. I see you with your tears of regret. Of loss.

I want you to know that it is all okay.
In the end, your journey has made you who you are today:

A woman who is stronger than she thinks.
Compassionate, with a depth of understanding you might not have otherwise.
A daughter of God who is fully aware of the power of His saving grace and redemptive powers.
One who has a deepened appreciation and reliance on the Savior and His Atoning Sacrifice.
Someone who has built a beautiful life with a man who loves and honors her in a way that I cannot even fathom at this point in my young life.

So, smile and acknowledge how far you've come. Give thanks to God for His mercy and love. Keep encouraging those young women around you who are now giddy with excitement over the opportunities you did not have yourself. Do not envy their path when yours has been specifically tailored for your own personal growth and learning.

And most of all, please don't worry about me anymore.
It will all be worth it in the end.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God." (Romans 8:28)

Deep down, you know that just as well as I do.

Love,
Your Nineteen-Year-Old Self

Letting Grow

Really, I had everything all figured out.

After a long and arduous pregnancy, I was fairly certain how our little boy's delivery was going to go.
Surely when you're on your fifth child, some things are just a given.

I knew that I would go into labor naturally.
I knew that I would have the natural birth I had been longing for but never experienced.
I knew that breastfeeding would proceed smoothly.
I knew everything was going to be okay.

Well, one out of four isn't all that bad.

Three weeks before my impending due date, my water suddenly broke. And with that, all bets were off.

We waited for the contractions to start.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.

They never came.

Finally, I agreed to the pitocin. And the contractions came!
Oh, good heavens, how they came.

The hours went by, and when the nurse came to see how I was progressing, I was certain she would tell me that my sweet baby boy was just a moment's breath from entering this world.

I was wrong.
I wasn't even dilating.

With tears of frustration, I rolled my eyes toward the heavens and groaned.
Seriously?
After all these months of discouragement and immobility, couldn't something go the way I wanted it to?
Just once? Please?

Let it go.
The reply came gently, peacefully. It enveloped my weary heart and calmed my anxious mind.

I agreed to the epidural.

And almost like magic, my body relaxed. A mere hour later Owen was born.
They laid him on my chest immediately after delivery and I was hopelessly in love. Absolutely perfect in every way.

It seemed that everything was now proceeding according to plan. For the first time in all of my deliveries I didn't have any complications and was able to nurse my baby in the hospital. No more eye rolling. No more complaints. This time there were only tears of gratitude.

Until.

The familiar postpartum complications of severe edema caught up to me a few days later, rendering me completely unable to nurse for several days. The pain was excruciating. The frustration and depression that followed weren't much better. When my health was finally restored, my milk supply had been substantially depleted. And Owen would only successfully feed from a bottle. I tried to be a soldier and pump diligently to keep up with his needs, but when this was added to the demands of caring not just for a newborn but his four other siblings as well, I quickly became exhausted beyond any normal human parameters. Truthfully? I felt like a complete and utter failure.

Let it go.
The gently reminder returned. I bristled a little this time.

Really? Let it go?
Just like that?
I fumed.
Okay, sure. Whatever.
Don't any of my righteous desires mean anything?

All I wanted was to experience the kind of early motherhood that I had been denied in my other pregnancies. Surely that was not such an unreasonable request.

But there it was again.
Let. It. Go.

And so it has continued.
Day after day, month after month, challenge after challenge.  I see the waves pulsating across the horizon and ride out each swell as best as I can. Rolling along. Breathing in and out. Letting go.

Yet in that release, I have found perhaps the most surprising thing of all. Gratitude.

In each small moment I find I am thankful for all the blessings that I do have. Because in all actuality, I have been incredibly spoiled in this life. There is ever so much to be grateful for.

Even in the midst of difficulty.
Maybe especially so.

I have hesitated to share this story, because I know there are so many with deeper heartaches and darker trials than my own. Compared to theirs, my struggles seem so ridiculously trivial. And really, in my own life I have navigated through much rougher moments than this.

But on the other side of life's experience I see just how important this lesson was for me personally.

I don't have to be in control.
Actually to get right down to it, I am most definitely not in control.
But the beautiful thing is that I don't have to be.

For there is a far greater Captain at the helm than I could ever hope to be.
He will lead me through rocky rapids and beside still waters.

And all I have to do is
     Let
          It 
            Go.

Interlude

Hi there.
Remember me?

Yeah, it's been awhile.

The last few months have been quite the ride for me... in every way imaginable. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

I am worn. Out.

But honestly, it's not all bad. It has been a time of learning. Stretching.
A season of growth.

It has taken me several weeks to wrap my head around and process everything that has transpired in the last few months, but I think I'm ready to talk about it now.

So here goes.
Deep breaths.

It's good to be back.

another reason to love brandon flowers

Full Disclosure:

I have been a bit of a Killers fan long before I even knew Brandon Flowers and I shared the same religion, or the fact that he attended high school little more than a stone's throw from where I now live.

While I haven't loved every single tune they've put out there, I must confess that "When You Were Young" and "All These Things That I've Done" are old standbys, guaranteed to lift me out of a funk. The track "Only the Young," from Brandon's solo album has been my phone's ringtone for the past two years. "Magdalena" is my number one go-to song for road trips. So, yeah, you could say he's a favorite.

So, when I was made aware today of a Scandinavian television interview that Brandon did recently-- where he was thrown completely off guard and directly confronted about his faith by the noted scientist and atheist Richard Dawkins-- I was naturally curious and watched to see how it all played out.

Wow.
Rock on, Brother Flowers.



Brandon is involved in the dialogue up until about twelve and a half minutes into the video. The discussion revolves around faith from 2:48 on. For someone who came onto the program to talk about music and promote an upcoming album, he does an amazing job of courageously standing up for his beliefs in the face of mockery and disdain. (And keeping cool and good-natured during Dawkin's inflammatory remarks, who appears on the scene at about 7:30-- I'm certain I wouldn't have stayed as collected as he did!)  I was reminded of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's recent quote from Sunday's CES Fireside, "We can’t check our religion at the door. We are to stand as witnesses of God at all times…not in a few places."

As someone who has done a LOT of research and study about church history, I feel that I have a pretty good grasp of both sides of the debate. Certainly it's clear which side of the line I fall on. For anyone who might have questions about the origins of my faith or our history-- I would only ask that you not believe everything you read. There's always (at least) two sides to every story. 

For answers to commonly asked questions about Joseph Smith, visit here.
For a partial answer to Dawkin's assertions about the language of the Book of Mormon, visit here.

Thanks, Brandon, for standing up for your beliefs. You made me proud to be a Latter-Day Saint today.

Oh, and by the way?
Love the new song.

{five things xxi}

- one -

So it's Tuesday-- kind of an abnormal day for me to have a "five things" post. 

But if I were to tell you that I've actually been working on this post since last Friday, would that make it all better? Seriously. Right now I'm just happy to find the time to string more than a few sentences together!

But really, I'm still in weekend mode since today we are celebrating Pioneer Day-- a big state holiday in Utah. We just returned home after spending a few days up at my parents' place in Paradise-- our first overnight sojourn with Owen in tow. It went pretty well, I think. The first night he wasn't quite sure what was going on, but he adapted quickly. I was able to get some much-needed rest and a fun date with Bryson thanks to my wonderful parents.

In honor of the day, I thought I'd share one of my favorite videos. It's an oldie but a goodie of Reilly singing the Utah state song last year. 

I love my adopted home state.

- two -

Guess who's one month old already?

Last week Owen officially reached the one month milestone. Today he is exactly five weeks old.

It's amazing to me how a span of time can seem as though it has simultaneously flown by and lasted forever. I am so grateful to have this little man in my life. He is such a treasure.

- three -

I can take very little credit for it, but I am super proud of how well my garden is doing this year despite the neglect it has received at our hands. 

We have had the best crop of broccoli ever this year, and our summer squash and tomatoes look to be fantastic as well.

The fruit also has had a banner year-- we had our best cherry harvest ever, and the berries are starting to come into their own with the promise of some wonderful late summer eating.  

Of course, some members of the family simply can't wait that long... Just the other day the older four were out playing in the kiddie pool. I turned my back for just a moment and suddenly they were nowhere to be seen. After a quick survey of the yard I found them, all four, gathered around one of the gooseberry bushes making a meal of the green unripe berries.

And in other garden news, I do believe that we just harvested the biggest turnip in Utah County this year.

- four -

I finally finished a craft project I started back when I was pregnant with the twins.

I sewed these little birds for a mobile (inspired by this one) in the last trimester of that pregnancy, and then life intervened and I never was able to finish putting it together.  This past weekend I finally got the birds perched on their new home-- some pruned branches from one of our fruit trees.

Bryson, our resident engineer, figured out a way to hang it safely in Owen's room and it is happily situated above his crib.  I am very pleased at how it turned out. It even impressed Taylor (no small feat) who keeps telling me how great it looks every time he goes in to look at it.

To make the birds I used this pattern, also found at the Spool website, using leftover fabrics from some of the previous projects I've made for the nursery, as well as some bold black and white prints I had laying around in my stash.

Now I just need to do something with those blank white walls! :)

- five -

My heart has been breaking over the theater shooting in Aurora, Colorado.

Such a terrible, horrific thing-- I don't have many words, just heartfelt prayers.

Two posts have touched me in the aftermath of this tragedy, both written by women who were in the theater that fateful night. One survived. One sadly did not. They are definitely worth your time to read.

Marie of "A Miniature Clay Pot" writes about her experience with a Christian perspective here:

"So You STILL Think God is a Merciful God?"

Jessica, who tragically passed away in Aurora, had just missed being a victim of the mall shooting last month in Toronto and wrote about her experience on her blog. Her query, "Is this really the world we live in?" echoes even more loudly today. You can read her words here:

"Late Night Thoughts on the Eaton Center Shooting"

Events like these make me sad for the world my children are growing up in, but also remind me that life is precious and too short to live passively. Hug your loved ones a little closer, and live your life-- not just the length of it, but the breadth as well. I know I plan to.

• • •

Those are my five things for... um... last week!

Best wishes from me to you.

Nailed It!

The days and nights with a small newborn are a dichotomy between pure bliss and extreme endurance. I find myself always trying to hold on to the quiet moments, the times when I am overwhelmed with love and peace. When I get caught in the vicious cycle of exhaustion and frustration I try to go back to that same quiet, to remember how sad I will be when my little baby is not little any longer.

As I was considering how fleeting time really is this evening, I suddenly became very heartbroken. Knowing that Owen may very well be our last baby, I reflected on all of the previous years now gone by of my early motherhood years. There are so many things I wish I could go back and do better. So many lessons learned. And while that experience has been invaluable and propels me forward in wisdom as a mother of five (!) now, I look back on what was and what I wish could have been.

I have an image in my head of the person I want to be and the life I want to lead. I reach endlessly to that end, only to be frustrated when my efforts seem to come up short daily. I wonder why on earth it is so hard to cast off these bad habits and glaring weaknesses of mine, when I have such a clear image of the end goal. Shouldn't I simply be able to outline the necessary steps and proceed accordingly?

Poof.
Perfection.

If only.

As I considered this, the tears trickled down my face.
I cradled my baby boy, all innocence and light, and held my breath and tried to stop time from moving forward-- if only for just a few short moments.

Talking with Bryson when he entered the room, trying to explain exactly why I was crying-- that, no, I wasn't upset... no, I wasn't depressed... I was just...

Well?
What was I?

As I tried to explain how I was just keenly aware of the quick passage of time and the gnawing sense that I am still really kind of a wreck, a definite work in progress, a pair of images came into my mind.  And I suddenly began to laugh through my tears. Big gulping guffaws that I couldn't control. I'm pretty sure Bryson thought I had absolutely lost my mind, but I couldn't help it. Soon I was crying because I was laughing so hard. 

The pictures that came to my memory were a pair that I had seen floating around on Pinterest over the past couple of months. They so perfectly illustrated how I have felt about my life that I decided to pull them up to show Bryson, and reassure him that his wife had not actually gone crazy.

The first was this image of some impressively decorated Cookie Monster cupcakes. They are incredible! Perfectly frosted and decorated, and most assuredly delicious, to me they represent the way I want things to be.

I showed Bryson the picture.

"So... as an analogy, this is like how I think my life should be. Beautiful and well executed."

"Ummm, okay..." came his reply. I'm sure he had no idea where I was going with this.

"And THIS... well, this is how I feel like my life ACTUALLY is."

I showed him the second picture:

He totally got it.
Suddenly he was laughing right along side me.

He gave me a hug, and looked me squarely in the eye.

"You know, Tiff, they might not look exactly perfect-- but I bet they still taste delicious."

Life is messy. Being weak and making mistakes is part of the human experience.
I will never be perfect in this life. Never.
But that doesn't mean that every day can't be delicious, savored.

Even the awkward, unattractive ones.

So I cradle my baby boy just a little bit closer, and breathe in the fresh scent of innocence. Time may be fleeting, and I may be perfectly imperfect, but at this moment none of that matters.

I have a husband whom I adore.
And five beautiful children that have blessed our lives with more love than we could have imagined.
Our home is filled with love and laughter.

Regardless of all else, that makes this life delicious to me.