Nailed It!

The days and nights with a small newborn are a dichotomy between pure bliss and extreme endurance. I find myself always trying to hold on to the quiet moments, the times when I am overwhelmed with love and peace. When I get caught in the vicious cycle of exhaustion and frustration I try to go back to that same quiet, to remember how sad I will be when my little baby is not little any longer.

As I was considering how fleeting time really is this evening, I suddenly became very heartbroken. Knowing that Owen may very well be our last baby, I reflected on all of the previous years now gone by of my early motherhood years. There are so many things I wish I could go back and do better. So many lessons learned. And while that experience has been invaluable and propels me forward in wisdom as a mother of five (!) now, I look back on what was and what I wish could have been.

I have an image in my head of the person I want to be and the life I want to lead. I reach endlessly to that end, only to be frustrated when my efforts seem to come up short daily. I wonder why on earth it is so hard to cast off these bad habits and glaring weaknesses of mine, when I have such a clear image of the end goal. Shouldn't I simply be able to outline the necessary steps and proceed accordingly?

Poof.
Perfection.

If only.

As I considered this, the tears trickled down my face.
I cradled my baby boy, all innocence and light, and held my breath and tried to stop time from moving forward-- if only for just a few short moments.

Talking with Bryson when he entered the room, trying to explain exactly why I was crying-- that, no, I wasn't upset... no, I wasn't depressed... I was just...

Well?
What was I?

As I tried to explain how I was just keenly aware of the quick passage of time and the gnawing sense that I am still really kind of a wreck, a definite work in progress, a pair of images came into my mind.  And I suddenly began to laugh through my tears. Big gulping guffaws that I couldn't control. I'm pretty sure Bryson thought I had absolutely lost my mind, but I couldn't help it. Soon I was crying because I was laughing so hard. 

The pictures that came to my memory were a pair that I had seen floating around on Pinterest over the past couple of months. They so perfectly illustrated how I have felt about my life that I decided to pull them up to show Bryson, and reassure him that his wife had not actually gone crazy.

The first was this image of some impressively decorated Cookie Monster cupcakes. They are incredible! Perfectly frosted and decorated, and most assuredly delicious, to me they represent the way I want things to be.

I showed Bryson the picture.

"So... as an analogy, this is like how I think my life should be. Beautiful and well executed."

"Ummm, okay..." came his reply. I'm sure he had no idea where I was going with this.

"And THIS... well, this is how I feel like my life ACTUALLY is."

I showed him the second picture:

He totally got it.
Suddenly he was laughing right along side me.

He gave me a hug, and looked me squarely in the eye.

"You know, Tiff, they might not look exactly perfect-- but I bet they still taste delicious."

Life is messy. Being weak and making mistakes is part of the human experience.
I will never be perfect in this life. Never.
But that doesn't mean that every day can't be delicious, savored.

Even the awkward, unattractive ones.

So I cradle my baby boy just a little bit closer, and breathe in the fresh scent of innocence. Time may be fleeting, and I may be perfectly imperfect, but at this moment none of that matters.

I have a husband whom I adore.
And five beautiful children that have blessed our lives with more love than we could have imagined.
Our home is filled with love and laughter.

Regardless of all else, that makes this life delicious to me.