Surrender

For the last couple of decades of my life, I have had an uneasy relationship with the story of the young rich man spoken of in the gospels of the New Testament. (See Matthew 19, Mark 10) When the Savior tells him that in order to obtain eternal life he must keep the commandments, the young man replies, "All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet?"

There have been several times in my life that I have come to the Lord with that very same question, and being convicted by the Spirit with certain aspects of my life that needed changing or forsaking, I would react just as the young man did-- saddened and unwilling to make the change. I wasn't quite ready to give up the proverbial summer cottage in Babylon.

In his recent General Conference address, Elder Robert C. Gay recounts the story of another rich and worldly man from the Book of Mormon who posed a similar question.  King Lamoni's father, being stirred by the words of the Lord's servant Aaron pleaded, "What shall I do that I may be born of God, having this wicked spirit rooted out of my breast, and receive his Spirit[?] ... I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy."

Aaron answered him, "If thou will repent of all thy sins, and will bow down before God, and call on his name in faith, believing that ye shall receive, then shalt thou receive the hope which thou desirest."

It was with this understanding that King Lamoni's father prayed fervently to the Father, "O God... I will give away all my sins to know thee."

As a teenager and young adult, I always admired this response from the Lamanite king and wished that I too had that same kind of resolve. But it always seemed too hard, too extreme. There was no way I could do it on my own.

And you know what?
I was right.
I couldn't do it on my own.

But with the help of my Savior, well, that's another story altogether.

I love these words from an apostle of the Lord, Elder David A. Bednar:

If I were to emphasize one overarching point this morning, it would be this: I suspect that you and I are much more familiar with the nature of the redeeming power of the Atonement than we are with the enabling power of the Atonement. It is one thing to know that Jesus Christ came to earth to die for us. That is fundamental and foundational to the doctrine of Christ. But we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to live in us—not only to direct us but also to empower us. I think most of us know that when we do things wrong, when we need help to overcome the effects of sin in our lives, the Savior has paid the price and made it possible for us to be made clean through His redeeming power. Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient and worthy and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully. I frankly do not think many of us “get it” concerning this enabling and strengthening aspect of the Atonement, and I wonder if we mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities. ("In the Strength of the Lord," Oct. 2001 BYU Devotional)

I have since learned that it is only when I lay everything I have, everything I am down on His altar and surrender all to His tender care, that I am transformed. Reborn.

And suddenly, those sticky sins that seem so very difficult to excise from our lives slip away without much struggle.

In the words of author John Pontius, "If we yield ourselves to His direction He will show us what to do first, and give us the power to do it. He will direct us, step by step, all along the way home. Additionally, as we obey Him, He will change and purify our hearts. As our hearts become single to His glory, we will find the changes we thought most impossible will just quietly, sweetly occur. The patience which previously eluded us, the gentleness we never knew, the love and brotherly kindness we thought unattainable, the powerful prayers and faith we yearned for, yet never attained-- all these and many more precious gifts will simply distill upon our souls." (Following the Light of Christ, Ch. 3)

I know this is true, because I have lived it.

Left to ourselves, we are weak, imperfect.
In Christ, we are made whole. Complete.

And all it takes to begin is that first step in His direction.

To quote Elder Gay once more:

The Lord loves our righteousness but asks of us continued repentance and submission.

This is the exchange the Savior is asking of us: we are to give up all our sins, big or small, for the Father’s reward of eternal life. We are to forget self-justifying stories, excuses, rationalizations, defense mechanisms, procrastinations, appearances, personal pride, judgmental thoughts, and doing things our way. We are to separate ourselves from all worldliness and take upon us the image of God in our countenances. (see Alma 5:14)

Brothers and sisters, remember that this charge is more than just not doing bad things. With an engaged enemy we must also act and not sit in “thoughtless stupor.” Taking upon the countenance of God means serving each other. There are sins of commission and sins of omission, and we are to rise above both. ("What Shall a Man Give in Exchange for His Soul?" Oct. 2012 Conference Report)

As a young mother of five small children, I frequently felt completely overwhelmed by all that I had to accomplish and never seemed to complete. My to-do list was just too long, and just the thought of adding in all of the spiritual elements that I knew were lacking in my day was incredibly daunting. It seemed absolutely impossible. I literally didn't think there were enough hours in the day. But when I made the decision to lay this burden at His feet a couple of months ago and seek out His will for me--nothing wavering, a gradual shift began to take place in our home. Things that were unnecessary and perhaps damaging began to slip away. In its absence, time was made available to center my days on the things that matter most-- and I have been amazed in how much of a difference just a few weeks can make.The difference has been palpable.

In Christ, truly all things are possible.
He strengthens us, helps us, and causes us to stand. In the midst of it all, He upholds us by the enabling power of His infinite and eternal Atonement.

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.

And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them. (Ezekiel 36:26-27)

Where we are weak, He is strong. And if we so desire, He can make us new creatures in Him.

His promises are sure.

• • •

This post is part of a blog hop hosted by the Book of Mormon Forum!

He Is Risen • An Easter Playlist

***Edited to add: There is now an updated version of this playlist available here. I hope you enjoy!*** 

Well, as you probably know-- and if you don't, you should-- there are four weeks until Easter Sunday.

I love this time of year. While the crisp days of early autumn are my favorite time of year, the weeks leading up to Easter are a close second. And Easter itself is my most favorite holiday of all.

While I've been getting in the Easter spirit for awhile now (see my recent post on Lent here), I thought now would be a pretty good time to share the playlist I've been listening to lately as I strive to deepen my personal meditation on the atoning sacrifice of our Savior.

This is a group of songs that I have put together over the last few years, consistently adding to it over time-- just like my other playlists that I've posted. Hopefully you will enjoy it as much as my family has.

 (If you are reading this post on an RSS feed reader, please be aware that there is a widget link to my Spotify playlist on my site which will allow you to listen to the entire playlist for free.)

• • •

If you don't want to create a Spotify account, here is a list of the tracks on my playlist if you are curious:

 1. Morning Has Broken - Steven Curtis Chapman

2. Christ Is Risen - Matt Maher

3. Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee - Page CXVI

4. What a Savior - Laura Story

5. Alive - Natalie Grant

6. He Is Risen - Jacob & Matthew Band

7. Empty - Dan Haseltine & Matt Hammitt

8. No Not One - Brandon Heath

9. Overcome - Jeremy Camp

10. All of Creation - MercyMe

11. Glorious Day - Jeff Johnson

12. The Victory - Phil Wickham

13. Scandal of Grace - Hillsong United

14. How Deep The Father's Love For Us - Katy Kinard

15. We Fall Down - Nichole Nordeman
(added after initial post published: My Savior, My God - Aaron Shust)

16. Wondrous Love - Jadon Lavik

17. Christ the Lord is Risen Today - Aaron Hale

18. I Will Rise - Chris Tomlin

19. After All (Holy) - David Crowder Band

20. Mighty To Save - Laura Story

21. All For You - MIKESCHAIR

22. O Praise Him (All This For A King) - Oceans Above

23. The Light In Me - Brandon Heath

24. Strong Enough to Save - Tenth Avenue North

25. You Have Redeemed My Soul - Page CXVI

26. His Name Shall Be Called - Jadon Lavik

27. In Christ Alone - Bethany Dillon & Matt Hammitt

28. Lead Me To The Cross - Hillsong United

29. Beautiful Scandalous Night - Robbie Seay Band

30. Hero - Abandon

31. How Great Is Our God - Bethany Dillon

32. My Hope Is In You - Aaron Shust

33. Your Great Name (Acoustic Version) - Natalie Grant

34. Healed - Nichole Nordeman

35. How Great Thou Art - Jadon Lavik

36. Motion of Mercy - Francesca Battistelli

37. Redeemed - Big Daddy Weave

38. Your Love - Brandon Heath

39. One Thing Remains - Jeremy Riddle

40. Forever Reign - one sonic society

41. How He Loves - David Crowder Band

42. Open Up - The Brilliance

43. The Proof of Your Love - for King & Country

44. Own Me - Ginny Owens

45. Hallelujah - Tenth Avenue North

46. Stolen - Brandon Heath

47. Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing - Katy Kinard

48. Delivered (Acoustic Version) - Casting Crowns

49. I Will Lift My Eyes - Bebo Norman

50. You Love Me Anyway - Sidewalk Prophets

51. At Your Name - Phil Wickham

52. Isaiah 55 - Leigh Nash

53. Joy Is In Our Hearts - Sara Groves

54. I Need Thee - Jadon Lavik

55. We Are - Kari Jobe
(added after initial post published: Jesus, Firm Foundation - Mike Donehey, Steven Curtis Chapman, Mark Hall & Mandisa)

56. He Paid It All - Brandon Heath

57. Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) - Chris Tomlin

58. Sing Hallelujah - Steven Curtis Chapman

Feel free to use this as a starting point for creating a soundtrack of your own!

♥

{five things • xxvii}

- one -

I am terribly slow at posting this Five Things, but it's for good reason.

Last week, Bryson got really sick. It started just like any other stomach ailment, but quickly escalated until we were fairly certain he was suffering from appendicitis. So we spent the greater part of Valentine's Day getting him tested for a bunch of things and having a CT scan at the hospital. He was in a great deal of pain and unable to sit at all-- he either had to be laying down or pacing while we waited for results.

And then after all that, every test and scan came back totally clean and clear. So the doctors gave him a tentative diagnosis of viral gastroenteritis-- which basically means "we don't know what is causing this." He had to stay in bed for awhile and keep to a bland diet, but he is doing a bit better now. I wish he would take it a little easier, but yesterday he insisted on attending all his meetings and today he is at work as usual. It's still not gone, but he is no longer in constant serious pain, so I am tremendously grateful for that.

Now I just need a few days convalescence to recover myself!

- two -

This little munchkin is officially a baby on the move.
He started army crawling a couple weeks ago, and already he is getting up on his knees and motoring around the house pretty quickly.

I can't leave him alone for a second.
But I like spending time with this little guy, so it's all good.

- three -

Rounding the corner of my neighborhood and seeing this every day always makes me smile.

The work on the temple is coming along quickly, and they just brought in a new crane to start on the stone facing this week. Pretty exciting!!!

- four -

I'm going to try and post a couple of playlists here in the next few days. One is my standard go-to when I'm having a rough day, and the other is a collection of Easter-appropriate contemporary Christian tracks. I love, love, love Easter time, and I hope that you will enjoy bringing Christ-centered music into your day as much as I have! Here's one of my favorite songs just to whet your appetite. Bethany Dillon & Matt Hammit's version of "In Christ Alone."



- five -

There is a storm brewing in our house of late. You see, tomorrow is the Big Game.
BYU vs. USU basketball.
Have mercy.

My parents were able to snag some tickets last minute, and already the kids have taken sides. Taylor is a true blue dyed in the wool Cougar, and Reilly is passionate about her Aggies. Seriously.

Being that I am the only member of the family who has actually attended both schools, I am always caught in the middle. And honestly, it doesn't matter one bit to me who wins or loses. But you may want to batten down the hatches if you're in the area...

• • •

And those are my Five Things for the week!
Thanks to Heather for hosting our regular blog hop! 
♥

Lent

Today is Ash Wednesday, and many of my friends from other Christian denominations are attending services and going without a certain luxury or giving up a personal vice as they begin their observance of Lent.

I've discovered through my years of living in the Beehive State that there are a lot of members of the LDS faith here in Utah that know very little about Lent. Most assume that it is just a Catholic observance, when in actuality many Christian denominations participate. The holiday is part of the Roman Catholic tradition, to be sure, but Lutheran, Methodist, and Episcopalian congregations, and many other branches of the faith also recognize it. 

As far as the Latter-Day Saint tradition is concerned, the Lenten season is not observed in a traditional way. In fact, Jenna Jones, an LDS script writer for Jon Stewart's The Daily Show has quipped, "Mormons don’t participate in Lent because being Mormon is like Lent 24/7. The only thing left to give up is dessert. & NO ONE’S TAKING THAT FROM ME!” 

Her thoughts, while humorous and very tongue-in-cheek, are actually worth noting-- because as Latter Day Saints, we are constantly trying to come unto Christ and leaving our baggage at the door. Every Sunday we seek to remember the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ and covenant to repent and turn to Him. The first Sunday of each month is typically designated as a fast Sunday, and congregants generally will go without food for a 24-hour period by their own choice and donate the funds not spent on those meals to the poor. Our spiritual journey compels us toward constant growth and searching for truth; and fasting, prayer, and sacrifice are considered necessary components of such development. So in a way, a formalized observance of Lent would be a little redundant for our faith community, because if we're truly engaged in our religion we are always "observing Lent," as it were.   

For me personally, I like to recognize the Lenten season because it helps prepare me for Easter. So often it seems like the Easter season comes and goes without much fanfare. This is distressing to me, because I feel it is perhaps the most important holiday we celebrate. I may be biased, since it is my favorite holiday, but I don't think I'm off base for saying that. If we as Christians truly believe as we say we do, if the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior is the most meaningful and singular event ever to transpire on this planet, then it would seem that we should approach Easter with at least the same amount of anticipation and reverence as we do Christmas.  

I love these words of Christian writer Ann Voskamp, "Lent. It’s the preparing the heart for Easter. Like going with Jesus into the wilderness for forty days, that we might come face to ugly face with our enemy. Our sacrificing that we might become more like Christ in His sacrifice... Lent isn’t about forfeiting as much as it’s about formation. We renounce to be reborn; we let go to become ‘little Christs’. It’s about this: We break away to become."

This is exactly how I feel about Lent. It is similar to how Advent helps me to celebrate Christmas with the right frame of mind. 

Just as Christ spent 40 days in the wilderness fasting and preparing for His ministry, I have the opportunity to spend 40 days in deepened meditation and contemplation, giving up some things that have a tendency to separate me from the Spirit and adding elements that allow me to more fully come unto my Savior.  

And that is definitely something my faith tradition embraces. 

{five things xxvi • the hawaiian edition}

I just got back home this week after a blissful seven days in Hawaii. Growing up, my parents shared a timeshare condo in Kona with my aunts and uncles, and so I grew up visiting the Big Island regularly with my family. (Yes, I do realize now that I was completely spoiled.) My mom still vacations there fairly regularly-- usually annually-- to relax and recharge. Until this month, I hadn't been back to Hawaii since my early teens roughly twenty years ago.

After a pretty intense 2012, my mom decided to head back to Kona and invited me to come along. We were able to find a great deal on airfare and so the plane tickets became my Christmas/Birthday/Pretty-Much-Every-Upcoming-Holiday-for-the-Next-Several-Months present. Bryson took vacation time from work on the days that he could, and tended the kids while I was away-- along with my mother-in-law, who cared for them on days that he had important meetings to attend.

For this week's Five Things, I thought I'd share my top 5 loves from the Aloha State-- in no particular order.

- one -

The coast-- whether on the sandy beaches or rock shoreline is simply stunning. While we were there, the trade winds blew in-- which made for some fantastic surf. Swells were topping ten feet high for a few days. It is pretty much impossible to get a real sense of the size and majesty of the waves from a photograph, especially from my phone camera that I didn't want to chance dropping in the Pacific.  I did try, though.  We spent most of our beach days at Hapuna, which is our family's favorite.

Another amazing spot is the hike at Upolu Point, located at the northern tip of the island. The trail takes you from the clifftops down to the black sand beach below. As you can see from the photo, walking the trail is like stepping into your own picture postcard. The teal water offset by the rocky coastline and black sand is truly breathtaking. Navigating all the switchbacks of the trail was totally worth it.

On the other end of the Big Island, another stunning vista awaits. Kalae Point, the southern-most point of the United States is much more stark in landscape, but the water!!!! The water. Let me tell you, it is like nothing I have ever seen anywhere else. The water is literally sapphire blue. Not turquoise like you typically imagine when you think of a tropical locale, but deep, sparkling sapphire. I didn't use any sort of filter or enhancement on this poor quality phone photo, and you can (kinda) see what I'm talking about.

Here's a little video too. Say hi to my beautiful mom!

 

There are few things that make me feel more in awe of the glory of God's creations than the beauty of the ocean.

- two -

One of the things that sets the Big Island apart from the other Hawaiian islands is all of the volcanic activity. Where the other islands have become dormant as far as eruptions are concerned, Hawaii is still going strong. Kilauea, the most active volcano in the world, is continually adding new acreage to the island, and volcanic rock decorates the landscape every where you turn. I love the black rock.

My favorite perk of all this volcanic rock is the black sand beaches. I adore Punalu'u beach in Naalehu. The sand is soft, and it is a favorite spot for sea turtles.

Of course, we also had to pay our respects to Kilauea-- which native Hawaiians consider sacred ground, the center of creation. While the more active eruption was quite a way from the center crater, you can see it smoking from the overlook. At night you can see the red glow of lava from this same spot, but we didn't stay through the evening.

- three -

During our trip, Mom and I decided to get out of our comfort zone and go ziplining. This officially qualifies as the Craziest Thing I've Ever Done. Up in the tree tops of the Kohala forest, we zipped down 9 lines, crossed 4-5 swaying suspension bridges, and repelled twice down from the trees.

Being that I have a pretty solid fear of heights this was huge for me. But once we made the choice to let go and trust our guides we had an absolute blast. 

I decided to rent a GoPro camera for the excursion and video taped the experience. Maybe once I get the chance to upload it to my laptop I'll share a snippet. 

But if you ever get to Hawaii, I highly recommend these guys. Our instructors Jeremiah and Chris were top notch, and the experience was wild but completely worth it. I was really proud of my mom and I when we finished the course!

- four -

For my fourth favorite of the trip, I can't decide between the sunsets or the flora of the island, so I'll just post a whole bunch of photographs of both. They pretty much speak for themselves anyway. :)

- five -

And finally, but certainly not least, was interacting with the wonderful members of my faith in Kona. We attended the temple during the week and Sunday services at the adjoining chapel, and I was overwhelmed by the intensity of the Spirit that was there. 

At the temple, we were warmly greeted by the matron with an embrace and kiss on both cheeks. On Sunday, we were given a beautiful yarn lei that was made especially for visitors by a sweet little elderly Hawaiian lady in the congregation. Even before Sacrament meeting began I started tearing up, there was such a strong Spirit there. I wept through much of the service. The saints in Kona are such a lovely, humble people. There is no pretension, only simple, honest love.  It was perhaps the biggest highlight of the entire trip.

• • •

I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to take a rare trip like this. When you're a mama of five, these experiences are certainly few and far between. But I'm so thankful for my mom & dad's encouragement to go, and for Bryson's supportive nature and selfless sacrifice to use his vacation time so I could enjoy this special time with my mom. I came away so restored, body and soul.

Aloha!

Thanks, Heather, for hosting our regular blog hop! Best wishes to everyone for a wonderful weekend!

♥

Love You More

I pray in the car a lot these days.

It's not that I'm a terrible driver or anything like that. Simply put, the quiet moments in the car where the children are guaranteed not to be clamoring at my side lend themselves nicely to quiet discourse and meditation. On the good days, anyway.

Today was a good day.
It didn't start as such, however.

While the last few weeks have been beautiful, full of sacred moments that I haven't felt I could share on a public blog, this past week has been a challenge. As I loaded my little ones into the car and hit the road I was feeling decidedly down.

And so I prayed.

Dear Heavenly Father, please let me know of Thy love on this day. I know that Thou art near, but right now I am feeling so very discouraged, disappointed, and alone. At this moment, all I need is just to know that You love me. Please shine a little of Thy light and mercy into my day, I humbly pray...

Then I decided to listen to the radio.

And I kid you not, this was the first song that came on.

"More," by Matthew West.


I've always loved this song, and today it was a direct hit to my heart.

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me
And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today  
Through the joy and the pain
I'll say it again and again
I love you more

And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me 

I am thankful for a God that answers prayers at times in the most immediate and unexpected ways. And that He helped us arrive at our destination safely as I bawled my eyes out on the interstate. It may have been a small thing, but for me today it was huge. Even when we feel so small and utterly insignificant, God gently corrects us and reminds us who we really are.

The Sunset

Around five in the evening on Sunday, I happened to look across the kitchen to our sliding glass door-- which was perfectly framing a magnificent sunset.

"Reilly," I called as she sat playing at the kitchen table, "look at that pretty sunset!"

She turned and approached the glass, marveling at all the colors.

Look, Mom! There's pink and orange and blue... and a little purple too.

Her eyes were wide with wonder. "It's beautiful, isn't it?" I asked.

She smiled and nodded. Then turned back to the table and proceeded to document the moment in bold Crayola strokes. The silhouette of a mountain, embraced by a breathtaking riot of color.

Handing it to me with both hands, she smiled at me sweetly.

Here, Mom, this is for you.  

And she turned back to the glass to admire the sky once more.

I stood, watching her.
Her silhouette now being embraced by those same colors she had replicated with her best six-year-old effort.

My sweet little first grader.

And the tears, they come again, as I think of a town where the sun has already set.
A town where several parents no longer have little first grade silhouettes, no six-year-old giggles outlining their evenings.
A silent night.

I have shed a lot of tears for Newtown, Connecticut.
I imagine that there will be many more still to come.
My breath catches and my heart stops every time I let the emotion of those twenty-six victims at Sandy Hook Elementary wash over me.

The parents in anguish, the frightened children, the grieving community.
No. Not community-- nation. Aren't we all grieving alongside one another?
The pain has been intense.

Yet even in despair, there can be peace. I have felt it wrap around me and comfort my soul several times over the last few days, as the God who weeps (see John 11) succors His children.

I find strength in all of the good people that are still out there in the world, giving themselves to the service of others.

"The helpers," as Fred Rogers called them:

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.

To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers-- so many caring people in this world.

This is what I tried to teach my children this week as I held them a little tighter, a little longer.
There may be terrible evil in this world, but guess what? In the big picture, love wins. Every time.

Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.
God bless Newtown.
God bless us all.